Gut Punches

So I've started this post a few times, but the reality is, I couldn't find anything meaningful to say, that I thought would help others. So I just didn't write anything. Well I didn't just NOT write anything. I typed random thoughts, in hopes that my struggles and questions would help you with whatever you may be dealing with.

This week was probably the hardest week since Jayse left this world. The 4th of July marked 2 months since Jayses' death. And this week will be the 15th--which he would be turning 7th months. I feel like I've said this before, but everything has felt foggy up until the last week or so. And the reality that this isn't just some terrible nightmare is really starting to set in.

He should be sitting up unassisted, starting to say his first words, crawling or scooting, have a few teeth, eating all new things. But he's not. I didn't want to be depressing in this post, but, this is me and how I've been feeling. I cry. I feel my children look at me like is she going to cry? Is she alright? Should I ask her if she's ok? And if they do ask me I snap--no I'm not alright. Which I know isn't how I should react to their concern, cause when some Random Stranger asks me if I'm alright I politely respond, I'm great. Which we all know is a lie.

So far this summer has been filled with running kids to camps and ball practices. All star games and baton twirling parades. I am thankful to be super busy. It helps keep my mind engaged on other things. But every time I see a baby, I immediately try to guess (to myself) how old they are. Then I think, is that what Jayse would be doing right now? Would he have that much hair? Would he be chattering?

This wasn't supposed to happen. My healthy, chunky baby wasn't supposed to die. My surprise baby that I was so thrilled and excited to be expecting last year at this time, he was still supposed to be here.

I knew the time-hop reminder was coming. The notification on my Facebook on time-hop popped up. Yesterday time-hop showed me my post from a year ago, when I announced to the Facebook community that SURPRISE--we were going to have another baby. That was like the gut punch to the end of a really crappy week.

I think of myself as a decent human being. But I often wonder, what did I do to deserve this?

I would trade my life for his, but not just that---I would trade your life for his. I would absolutely do anything to have him back. To kiss his little cheeks. to snuggle him and love on him, just to spend one more minute with him. 

I hang on to God's promises that I will see him again. That's what get me through the day. That's what gets me up in the morning. I have constant reminders that Jayse is spending eternity in heaven, waiting for me, and the rest of his family to arrive.

💙💙💙💙Blessings to you and the trials you are facing, you are not alone xoxo💙💙💙💙