I will always say five.

So one would think in today's day and age of technology and word of mouth, and of course not living in THAT big of a community, people would know things about others from their past.

I mean I guess I don't know EVERY detail about people I went to High School or College with, but I would think I would have heard about the big things. Maybe that's me being self-centered or naive, or giving a darn about what's going on in others' lives (being nosy as my hubs calls it), but I guess I just assumed everyone that I knew, heard that my youngest passed away.

I live about 45 minutes from my hometown of Smithsburg, Maryland where I was born and raised. I haven't lived there for about 10 years. I have TONS of friends on social media that I knew 'back in the day', so surely you would think that the one girl I ran into tonight, would have some where along the way, heard that Melanie Whitt's baby died.

But nope. There I was, doing my good deed, volunteering in the concession stand for the 9-10's all-star baseball game tonight, when the overwhelming reality happened, again.

 I was working the fryer, just dumped some fries into their tray, when I heard the customer ask how many chicken tenders came in an order. I yelled up, "There's 2 in an order" and the customer said, "Are you Melanie?!?!?!" As she put her sunglasses on top of her face, I could see who it was, a girl I played volleyball with at the local community college. We exchanged pleasantries and I went on about my frying. Really, I thought to myself, Thank GOD she didn't say anything about Jayse. I mean, I really enjoy talking about him, and remembering him, but when I talk to someone who is from my past, that I haven't talked to in literally 15 years, the conversation about my deceased son tends to become a bit awkward.

SO I thought I had gotten off scott free, when she returned again, this time getting a drink for her young children, she asked, "Do you just have the one"--referring to my son, because I had him shortly after attending the community college--and that she knew about. I feel like at this moment time paused. I thought to myself, for what seemed like 10 minutes, how should I answer her. 

I mean I could of said, "Four" and leave it at that. I wouldn't have to go into detail about Jayse and that fact that he died. And no, I have no idea how he died or why he died or what caused it or if it could have been prevented, or was I breastfeeding, or smoking, or was he born prematurely -- I could get out of having to answer all those questions. Suffocating questions. Overwhelming questions. Awkward questions.

I didn't say four. I swallowed, took a deep breath, felt the tears welling up in my eyes, and I said, "I have five. Three boys and two girls." I could feel myself start to cry, as the tears rolled down, and I added, "But my youngest son passed, he was 4 1/2 months old." She immediately apologized for my loss, and said she couldn't believe that. We chatted for a few more minutes, and come to find out, she had been praying for me, although she didn't know it was me--Melanie (Whitt) Ebersole--that she was praying for, a mutual friend asked her to pray for a family that had lost a baby. 

After she walked away, and after I got home, exhausted physically and emotionally, I thought and thought about my decision about telling my old friend about him. For me, Jayse was here. He was real. I loved him physically for 140 days here on Earth, I will love him for all eternity until I'm reunited with him again in Heaven. Saying I have 4 children may be easier, but it's not me. I've always been about being true and real to myself--and for me, I will always say five.

💙💙💙💙 Keep on keeping on. You got this. One foot in front of the other. 💙💙💙💙