Hot Mess Moments

I recently had a conversation with a friend about how things seem to be going well. She said she saw on Instagram and Facebook all the fun things my family had been doing. She, like many others, said she couldn't imagine what I had gone through, and was surprised at how 'well' I was taking the loss of my son.

Well, I let her finish talking. I didn't interrupt. She really had no earthly idea what I have been through these past 36 days, but could I blame her? She's never lost a close loved one, let alone her own flesh-and-blood child that she carried for 9 months.

She really has no idea that I don't have a choice. I mean I guess I do. I guess I could choose to be a hermit and not shower. Or maybe choose to home-school my kids and pull them from any activities to try to prevent anything from happening to them. Or maybe just choose to lash out and curse God and all that is good.

But really, what would I be teaching my other 4 children -- when life gets hard, throw in the towel? Run and hide? Cower in fear? If anything, losing Jayse has brought me closer to God. This whole nightmare has shown me the power of prayer. The power in turning to God--giving him your pain, hopes, fears, worries. Praying for strength and comfort. I know so many people have prayed for me, my family, and Jayse. We have felt the prayers. I don't know how I could have gotten through the past 5 weeks without the prayers of my those praying.

I turned to my friend, and I said

Girl, first of all---you know those pictures you see are my highlights! There are twice as many moments that are filled with sadness or anger than those that are filled with laughter and happiness. But I'm working on that. Giving God my anger and sadness, praying about it. Praying through it. I find comfort in reading. Reading grief books, Reading prayer books, reading the bible. I find comfort in writing about it as well. But those pictures you see on facebook or instagram are certainly NOT the day to day moments, cause I struggle! Heck, we all struggle. Yes, most haven't had to deal with the tragedy of burying a child, but that doesn't change that we ALL struggle. I haven't cooked since Jayse died. We've eaten fast food, eaten at restaurants, or eaten already prepared foods. And my house--oh my, it is a mess! Right after Jayse was born, I was in the process of re-doing our living room--which got about 3/4s finished. But since he died, all that has gone by the wayside (for now). I'm sure visitors have thought--holy moly, these people live like this?!? But, ya know what, this is real world. This is my life. I'm FARRRRR from perfect--my house, my kids, my life. I'm a mess. But I'm ok with that, and I know God's ok with that, because he loves me. He loves our hot messes.


Our God is an awesome God. His promises and love for us is astounding. There's no other choice than to give the remainder of my life here on Earth to him. He died on that cross for you and me so that we could live with him for all eternity. I know Jayse is there, and I know I will be there too. That day will be glorious. But until then, I'm going to continue to sing the praises of our God, in hopes that others will turn to him in their times of grief.

And just remember, those highlight reels that we post, are snapshots of moments in time we are proud of---but those moments go hand-in-hand with the struggling hot mess moments that we don't snap pictures of, but maybe we should ;)