Keep On Keeping On

So Momma RobbieRob got me a fit bit for my birthday the other week. I know, I know I am late to the fit bit step challenge phenomena, I mean people have had these things for a couple years or so, right?! I'm always late to the cool gadget games. But better late than never ;)

So I've been working hard to keep up with my family members--my dad, mom, sister, brother, sis-in-law, even one of my kids, pretty much everyone!! So with all this walking and jogging (haha), I've noticed at night when I go to relax on the couch and watch my 'teenage shows'--as my hubs calls them--, I notice my knee starts flaring up. Pains will just shoot through it. I had my ACL repaired back when I was 19, they had to replace my ACL with a cadaver ACL--I have a pretty awesome scar from it--that stretches a whole 2 inches long on my knee cap--, but I notice when I'm really active, and then I go to relax, my knee will just ache.

In fact, as I'm sitting here typing this, I have my knee propped up with two couch pillows underneath it. Now my 19 year old self, would laugh and say, "Really Melanie? Don't you think that's a little much? Aren't you being a bit dramatic? Get up, let's go." And because I'm only 15 years removed from my 19 year old self (WOWZAs! how did I get to be 34), I still get up and get moving.

In fact, as long as I keep moving, I don't notice the aching and pain so much. Tonight, as I was making my circles around the baseball fields as my son was practicing, I thought, "Well, as long as I keep moving, it's not so bad. It's not aching right now." 

It's been a pretty rough couple days, and not just because I have old arthritic bones. June 15th Jayse would have been 6 months, and that same day marked 6 weeks since his death. But that Thursday, June 15th, I was alright, having a pretty good day. The days that followed, were just crappy. I know I'll have bad days. We all have bad days. The pain in my heart just aches constantly. 

Before losing a child, I always felt so sorry for those women (and men) that lost a kid. But really, I had no idea. You can't. You can't understand what parents that have lost a child are dealing with. There's nothing like it.

The only way I can somewhat describe--in the smallest way--  to someone who has never lost a child--

That aching that you may feel in your knee, or maybe your shoulder, or a hip. It's there, constantly. When you get up in the morning. As you get in your car. Arriving to work. Walking your dog. Picking up your nephew. Getting the mail. Making dinner. Kneeling to pray. Climbing in bed.

That constant pain, that something isn't right, a piece of you is forever changed. The aching. Some meds may dull that pain, but nothing fully takes it away.

So I just keep on moving. I read. I pray. I knit. I write. I pray. I play with my kids. I go to their practices and games. Oh Lord do I pray. If I didn't do these things, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning. I wouldn't be able to face the day. But as long as I keep on moving, that aching in my heart and the pain is still there, but I just don't notice it as much.

💙💙💙💙 Keep on keeping on. You got this. One foot in front of the other. 💙💙💙💙
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