Still trying

I've looked forward to this evening for the past week. A night without anything. No football games or cheer leading practices. No baton or basketball. No church or bible study. I brought work home with every intent of checking it. I did make dinner, so there's something ;) but then after dinner, as I scrolled through my social media feed, I just felt paralyzed.

And I don't think feeling paralyzed was caused by any particular post that I read, or any image that I had seen. I've found on nights that I don't have to get my children somewhere, this paralyzed state is one I can't avoid. I want to get up and do things, but I just can't. I don't know how to explain it, maybe it's anxiety. I'm not sure. I lose all sense of time and before I know it, all evening passed me by and it's already time for bed. The thought that the holidays and your birthday are right around the corner probably contribute to my state.

Time goes by quickly anyway, but even more so in this never-ending season of grief. Perhaps my mind and heart is still in the beginning of May, dreaming of spending those long summer days with all 5 of my babes.  It's so hard to believe my favorite time of year is passing me by, and I could really care less.

The colors out the window disappear as I dream about the amazing sights you are witnessing in heaven. The pumpkin spice just doesn't taste as good as your cheeks did when I would give you kisses and I would hear you squeal with giggles. I've found myself avoiding friends expecting babies or those that have just had babies, because I just can't.  And it kills me that I can't. I have always been the one, loving on the babies, snatching up other peoples babies, talking about babies and birthing stories.

I'm not me anymore. And how could I be? But, I am still here. Still attempting, still trying. Days like these overwhelm me with loneliness. But I'm given little reminders that my God is with me, no matter what.  "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid: do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9.