So in these adolescent and early teenage raising years, my life consists of driving kids to and from practices, refereeing arguments, and <insert a sarcastic tone> being a horribly unfair mom that makes disgusting food and takes away IPads and IPods for no apparent reason. I love my children, but oh man, being a mom isn't an easy job. The other half of my day is teaching other peoples children. Bloody boogers, poop smeared toilet seats, emotional baggage brought from home--no one informed me this was a part of teaching when I was in college. I absolutely love my life, but there are no aspects about it that are easy. Throw in the waves of grief, and most days I don't have a second to spare.
The moments that I do get free, you know, after the kids go to sleep and before I pass out from exhaustion, I religiously watch shows that I have DVRed. Some of the shows I watched were Greys', How to get away with Murder, Scandel, Chicago Fire, Chicago Med, Timeless, The walking Dead, Designated Survivor, For the People, Quantico, American Crime, Station 19, The Blacklist, Chicago PD, Shades of Blue, Animal Kingdom. And that's just shows I've watched in the last year.
Like seriously a problem, right?!?! The invention of DVR changed my life. I could simply record shows and then play them back and fast forward through the commercials!! I would get lost in the lives of these characters. I would vicariously live through them. The risky situations and scandalous plot lines, the love affairs and dangerous life choices, oh my goodness, I loved it!
But when I truly looked as to why I loved it, that's when it hit me. SIN. I know sin is wrong. I know murdering and I know hating others and being envious of others is wrong. I know that lying and stealing are wrong. So I try not to do any of these things, but watching them and taking joy in them on TV is just a way I decompress, or veg out and relax, right?
You see, there's this passage of scripture in Romans chapter 7:14-25. It's all about struggling with sin.
So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong, it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. I have discovered this principle of life---that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law with all my heart. But here is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am ! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?
This is my own words and understanding:
I don't know why I do the things I do. I wanna do the right thing, but instead I do things that I know are evil and wrong. I wanna be a good person and do the right thing. I don't though, I continue to do things that I know are morally wrong. But it's not me that's doing it, it's the sin that lives within my heart. We are all born with this human sinful nature, we are all slaves to this sin that lives within us.
So you see, the obsession with watching my DVRed shows, with the twisted characters and illicit love triangles, stemmed from the desires of my sinful heart.
Maybe your vice isn't ridiculously far-fetched, fictional television shows. Maybe you enjoy one too many adult beverages, or gossiping about your co-workers. Maybe you partake in some illegal drug use (it's legal in some states so that makes it ok!) or take some money out of the donation jar. Maybe you are having an affair or maybe you only dream about having an affair.
What it boils down to, is that we are all sinners. Bottom line. I am no better than you, and you are no better than me. WE ALL SIN. We make excuses for our sins. We try to hide them, deny them, justify them, or flat out lie about them. We say we are gonna change. We make new years resolutions and swear never again. Sometimes we are good at putting on that mask and parading around in our show, making the statement I'VE CHANGED, but before long, that old sinful nature rears its nastiness and we are a slave to sin once more. So how in the world can we truly change? In a world full of darkness and despair, it can feel hopeless.
But my friends, I have good news. The answer to this sinful nature is Jesus Christ. His life giving spirit frees ALL who will believe, from being a slave to sin. God sent Jesus to this Earth, in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sin's control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins. (Romans 8:3)
I know it's hard to accept. Like all I have to do to be saved is believe Jesus lived and died for me? What's the catch? How much is this gonna cost me? Is there a credit check involved? Or community service?
God chose you. He chose me. He sent his son, Jesus, to die for those dark sins we're hiding. His blood wiped, and continues to wipe, us clean. He loves us that much. There's no dotted lines to sign on, no strings attached. And I know for me, the moment I turned my life over to Christ, a weight was lifted, the clouds were opened, and I felt so very different. This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! (2 Corinthians 5:17)
The deeper I get into this journey, the more I feel my heart sing. Things are pressed onto my heart, and I just have to write. I intended this post to be about a completely different topic, and then as I was writing and looking for scripture, it turned to be a post about sinful nature. I pray this post can help you, or if you know someone you think it could help, please share it with them.
God Bless You.
And I'll close with a verse I hold near and dear to my heart here within the last year.
So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.
2 Corinthians 4:18
