Today was just another day. Typical May in Pennsylvania, warm and sunny one moment and raining with a chill in the air the next. From a fly on the wall, looking in, one wouldn't have noticed anything different in the hub-bub of our daily family routine. Cleaning the bathroom, doing some laundry, kiddos playing outside, hubs fixing the bikes to go for a bike ride, trip to the grocery store, walk on the Canal; nothing out of the ordinary Saturday in our house (well actually it was a lot less busy than normal with no kids sporting events).
It also happens to be May 4th. In case I'm a stranger to you, and you don't know me, or my story, and this is the first time you've visited my blog, May 4th is the date of my youngest sons, Jayse, death. The autopsy ruled it SIDS, which continues to claim the lives of thousands of babies each year. Sudden infant death syndrome is the leading cause of death among infants one month to one year in age. In 2017, there were 3600 sudden infant deaths in the United States alone. You may think you're the Mac Daddy of Moms, but I want you to know, it can happen to your baby, because it happened to mine.
I think last year we celebrated this date by releasing balloons. I just wasn't into that idea this year. I didn't want to celebrate this date. I strongly dislike the term angel-versairy. And I really don't need a date to remember or honor him. I'm sure every other bereaved parent would agree with me, I remember him every.single.day. I honor him in all that I do every.single.day. We love our babies that aren't here on Earth with us. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely appreciate and love those that have thought of me today with the messages, texts, prayers and phone calls. But let it be known, that I didn't shed any more tears today than I do any other day.
One of the most difficult moments of this day today was finding my 5 year old in the bathroom sobbing. I knelt down beside her, asking her what was wrong, she continued to cry and mouthed Jayse and hugged my neck so tight. She misses him so incredibly much, sometimes her pain makes me feel like my pain is inferior. She didn't even know what today was, until last night my older daughter told her, "tomorrow is the day Jayse died". As we were riding in the truck, her little lip pouted out and the tears ran down her cheeks, and she bawled how much she missed him.
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Friday morning, May 3rd, I drove myself to work, as Chris stayed home to work on a paper for a scholarship. All decked out in my rainbow shirt and rainbow faux leather earrings, wanting to honor Jayse, I couldn't help but feel scared and alone. The old questioning and fear burned inside my chest. Is this moving to Florida thing going to work? People down there don't know me like my family up here at Maugansville and Needmore know me. They don't know Jayse. I am SOOO incredibly protected by my family up here, will I have anyone down there? How will I make it through the tough moments or days? I bowed my head and went to the Lord in prayer--I said, "God I know you're here, but today, please give me strength, please dear God remind me that you are here."
As I started my day, my dearest and closest friend gifted me with a verse that has been my go-to for the last two years. Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called, according to his purpose." This sign even had a rainbow on it. Later, after my kiddos returned from Library, one of my students said, "Mrs. Ebersole, why do you look so blue today?" Now it wouldn't be out of the ordinary for me to have somehow gotten marker or some kind of blue material on my face, so I responded, "What do you mean?" To which she said, 'I don't know, you just look so sad." And as she said that she reached out and hugged me. Now I have some daily huggers in my classroom, ones that will hug anyone any chance they get, but this girl, she's never hugged me. It was a super sweet moment.
Then during lunch, our PTO got pizza and cake for the 4 staff members that are leaving, so my teammates and I sat around and ate that for lunch. Usually, my one co-worker doesn't eat in the staff lounge with us, but on Friday she did. As we were chatting, this co-worker was talking about how she had got a new student, to which another one of my co-workers asked, "What's his name?" To which she responded "Jayse".
After returning from recess, I entered my room to find a beautiful arrangement of flowers and a sweet card written by 3 lovely ladies that work at Maugansville with me. Their heartfelt notes brought tears to my eyes.
As I was driving home, by myself Friday, I couldn't help but think of the days events. Somehow throughout the day, I had forgotten the prayer I prayed in my van before entering the building, but then suddenly it hit me. I had asked God to remind me that he was here and present with, and he did. As I looked up at the sky, the sun hiding behind some clouds made the sunlight appear as a cross, oh it brought tears to my eyes.
_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_
I share this with you because God has done a mighty work in my life since this day back in 2017. He's changed lives and shown to me over and over again that he is here and ever-present in my life. Having hope and assurance that Jayse is with Jesus in heaven is what I cling to, and what we teach our children. I have great days and not so great days, but I know through it all, God has been there, by my side---and I know he's not leaving my side anytime soon.
It also happens to be May 4th. In case I'm a stranger to you, and you don't know me, or my story, and this is the first time you've visited my blog, May 4th is the date of my youngest sons, Jayse, death. The autopsy ruled it SIDS, which continues to claim the lives of thousands of babies each year. Sudden infant death syndrome is the leading cause of death among infants one month to one year in age. In 2017, there were 3600 sudden infant deaths in the United States alone. You may think you're the Mac Daddy of Moms, but I want you to know, it can happen to your baby, because it happened to mine.
I think last year we celebrated this date by releasing balloons. I just wasn't into that idea this year. I didn't want to celebrate this date. I strongly dislike the term angel-versairy. And I really don't need a date to remember or honor him. I'm sure every other bereaved parent would agree with me, I remember him every.single.day. I honor him in all that I do every.single.day. We love our babies that aren't here on Earth with us. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely appreciate and love those that have thought of me today with the messages, texts, prayers and phone calls. But let it be known, that I didn't shed any more tears today than I do any other day.
One of the most difficult moments of this day today was finding my 5 year old in the bathroom sobbing. I knelt down beside her, asking her what was wrong, she continued to cry and mouthed Jayse and hugged my neck so tight. She misses him so incredibly much, sometimes her pain makes me feel like my pain is inferior. She didn't even know what today was, until last night my older daughter told her, "tomorrow is the day Jayse died". As we were riding in the truck, her little lip pouted out and the tears ran down her cheeks, and she bawled how much she missed him.
_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+
Friday morning, May 3rd, I drove myself to work, as Chris stayed home to work on a paper for a scholarship. All decked out in my rainbow shirt and rainbow faux leather earrings, wanting to honor Jayse, I couldn't help but feel scared and alone. The old questioning and fear burned inside my chest. Is this moving to Florida thing going to work? People down there don't know me like my family up here at Maugansville and Needmore know me. They don't know Jayse. I am SOOO incredibly protected by my family up here, will I have anyone down there? How will I make it through the tough moments or days? I bowed my head and went to the Lord in prayer--I said, "God I know you're here, but today, please give me strength, please dear God remind me that you are here."
As I started my day, my dearest and closest friend gifted me with a verse that has been my go-to for the last two years. Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called, according to his purpose." This sign even had a rainbow on it. Later, after my kiddos returned from Library, one of my students said, "Mrs. Ebersole, why do you look so blue today?" Now it wouldn't be out of the ordinary for me to have somehow gotten marker or some kind of blue material on my face, so I responded, "What do you mean?" To which she said, 'I don't know, you just look so sad." And as she said that she reached out and hugged me. Now I have some daily huggers in my classroom, ones that will hug anyone any chance they get, but this girl, she's never hugged me. It was a super sweet moment.
Then during lunch, our PTO got pizza and cake for the 4 staff members that are leaving, so my teammates and I sat around and ate that for lunch. Usually, my one co-worker doesn't eat in the staff lounge with us, but on Friday she did. As we were chatting, this co-worker was talking about how she had got a new student, to which another one of my co-workers asked, "What's his name?" To which she responded "Jayse".
After returning from recess, I entered my room to find a beautiful arrangement of flowers and a sweet card written by 3 lovely ladies that work at Maugansville with me. Their heartfelt notes brought tears to my eyes.
As I was driving home, by myself Friday, I couldn't help but think of the days events. Somehow throughout the day, I had forgotten the prayer I prayed in my van before entering the building, but then suddenly it hit me. I had asked God to remind me that he was here and present with, and he did. As I looked up at the sky, the sun hiding behind some clouds made the sunlight appear as a cross, oh it brought tears to my eyes.
_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_
I share this with you because God has done a mighty work in my life since this day back in 2017. He's changed lives and shown to me over and over again that he is here and ever-present in my life. Having hope and assurance that Jayse is with Jesus in heaven is what I cling to, and what we teach our children. I have great days and not so great days, but I know through it all, God has been there, by my side---and I know he's not leaving my side anytime soon.
