Last night, as I wiped an eyelash off Alexas' cheek, she sweetly asked to blow it and make a wish. She informed me that if you don't tell anyone your wish, it will indeed come true. I laughed and said yes I think you are right. She blew the eyelash away, and looked up at me and said if my wish comes true I'll have another baby brother. The sunglasses over my eyes hid my tears from my 4 year old daughter, and I smiled at her and reminded her how much I love her.
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Shortly after Jayse died, I was convinced we were meant, destined even, to have another child. Every fiber of my being wanted to fill the void in my arms with a new little life. A rainbow to lessen the pain from this unfair, violent disaster. Not a day goes by that the events of Jayses' life, and the surgical tech's voice (from the delivery room) doesn't ring in my ears, "it'll take an act of God for you to get pregnant again."
I remember talking with different OBGYNs' toward the end of my pregnancy with Jayse about having my tubes tied. And each of them approached me with the same caution, and would say something to the effect that---in any circumstance, you are ok with not having anymore children? And each time I would nod and say absolutely. Out of the 8 times I have been pregnant, 2 of those times were planned. People used to joke with Chris and I and say what are we trying for a basketball team, or don't we know where babies come from? Fertile Melanie I was.
So, thinking out birth control after Jayse, we thought that I'd get my tubes tied. But never did I dream MY baby would die from SIDS.
Not even 8 weeks after Jayses' death, we met with infertility specialists. I had all the testing done to be a candidate for IvF, and I was good to move forward with the next steps in the process. The bloodwork, my egg count, and uterine dimensions determined I was a perfect candidate for in vitro fertilization.
Only we couldn't. Yes the price tag that went along with IvF for someone that had had their tubes tied is quite hefty (its not covered by insurance), but that wasn't the reason. Nothing or no one can replace Jayse. With his short life and 15 months since his death, I have witnessed God do great works and miracles in my own life. I know that God can move mountains, heal the sick, and make the impossible possible. I know that if He wanted to, He would put my fallopian tubes back together. But I also know and trust that His plan for me is greater than my own.
One of the biggest hurdles in becoming a Christian was scrappling with the fact that I am not in control. And for so long I thought I was. I remember when I got hired as a teacher, after completing my masters with 3 small kids and pregnant with baby #4 thinking man "I DID IT, I DID ALL THIS"--it's finally gonna all work out. I worked so hard. I've been through so much. I got this. I got my happily ever after. The end.
But, thankfully, through the loss and tragedy, heartache and grief, God called me. And I've learned that I don't have it, I don't have anything. I am a MESS! I haven't done anything, without Him having His beautifully sovereign hand in it. He's been there with me this entire time, and He will continue to be there with me, until He calls me home.
As always, if you'd like to chat about our Lord and Savior, please email me at Mwhitt613@gmail.com. God bless you!
