I remember planning out my future. Two boys and two girls. And then when it happened, boy, were my dreams unfolding before me. I fought the odds of single parenthood, met the man of my dreams, finished my degree, became a teacher, and had my perfect little family(actually big--partridge family like according to my brother-in-law LOL). Although everything wasn't perfect. I found myself annoyed and angered easily. My fuse was short and temper was shorter. I didn't have good relationships with family members, and I think I was avoided by some of my closest friends. I had everything I had envisioned and dreamed of, but I still struggled with being truly happy, and satisfied.
Mothers Day 2016, my brother and sister in law were home visiting. We all took my Mother out for lunch. I felt sick to my stomach and remember my mom saying jokingly, "Maybe you are pregnant! HA!" I was like yea right mom! You're crazy!
Let me back up a little bit more. I have always been a fan of the birth control pill, that was until I forgot to take it. So under the advice of a co-worker I opted for an IUD in May 2014. Flash to the following year (May 2015) at my next gynecological appointment--that IUD had been put in wrong--went through my uterine wall, and was 'floating' in my abdominal cavity. So that entire year, I really had no form of birth control, and didn't get pregnant--truly crazy with my track record of pregnancies. So they had to go in through my belly button to retrieve this IUD. Everything went fine, BUT after that surgery, I was never 'regular' with my period.
So back to Mothers Day 2016--upon Mom's joke about me being pregnant--I started thinking--when WAS my last period. Holy goodness, I had NO idea. This ate away at me for 2 weeks until the Tuesday after Memorial Day. I kept waiting and waiting to get my period--and it never came. So on my ride to work that morning, I stopped at Wal-mart and got the cheapest 'value' pregnancy test there was---still in disbelief that this could be possible. When I got to school, I went right into the bathroom and peed on that stick. Immediately it turned positive. How did this happen? Where would we put another baby? This was not in my plan! Who has 5 kids?! My husband had no idea I even suspected I was pregnant, he is going to have a cow!! As tears streamed down my face, I went to the office looking for my principal. Our secretary was there, so concerned when she saw I was crying, but I told her I was just looking for Donna. I found her in the gym, getting her steps in, when she saw I was upset, she immediately asked what was wrong, how could she help and I just busted out, "I'M PREGNANT!" She laughed. Literally out loud. Which looking back, I so appreciate. This woman hired me when I was pregnant with Katie, I worked for her when I was pregnant with Buddy, then hired me as a teacher, without knowing I was pregnant with Alexa, and here I was pregnant AGAIN! But she was the first one I told.
Finally, it seemed like FOREVER, two days later I mustered up the guts to tell Chris. I looked at him and said I think I'm pregnant, expecting the worst, I believe he said, "Ha" and that was the end of that conversation! To think how worried I had myself. I then even waited to call the doctor to schedule my first appointment, thinking this pregnancy would end in a miscarriage---as I have had 3 other miscarriages before.
But it didn't, so I called. At my appointment, I really had no idea how far along I was, so they did an ultrasound and I was 12 weeks!!! I had managed to get through a WHOLE trimester without knowing--I mean WHO DOES THAT?!? LOL :D
During my pregnancy, I was bound and determined to have my tubes tied, so this wouldn't happen again. So because I had my mind made up, I truly enjoyed every aspect of my pregnancy with Jayse. We found out he was a boy around 20 weeks, and the kids were so excited. I was excited. This little baby I hadn't planned for, was meant to be here. Meant to be in our family. That's what Donna kept telling me as well, that I didn't plan this, but God's plans were bigger and Jayse was going to have an impact and was supposed to be here.
We didn't have a name picked out, none at all. Chris refused to look at the baby name book, he said he wasn't going to get too excited and he had plenty of time to think. He's always been that way with all the kids!
Jayse was so fickle! He didn't want to turn, I think he was sideways or breech the entire time. My last appointment, the day before Jayse was born, Dr. Solberg, didn't send me for an ultrasound--but assured me that my belly felt like my baby was head down. So when my water broke Thursday, December 15th, I thought there was no rush to get to the hospital--as I had been through this many times before. Chris was still working 3rd shift, and I was sleeping on the couch--as I found it hard to sleep when he wasn't home. As I was turning over, around 430 or so in the morning, my water broke. I got up and got in the shower and one of the kids woke up. Katie was so excited, she called my mother in law and then Chris. He came home and we all headed to the hospital.
Once we got to the hospital, I told the nurse I wasn't sure if he was head down or not because there wasn't an ultrasound done--but Dr. Solberg said he was head down. So the mid-wife on call checked and the utlrasound showed he was in breech position.
So for the first time out of all my 5 babies, I had to have a c-section. When Dr. Oh got there, they prepped me for the c-section and I was in there shortly after 8 a.m. The whole experience was COMPLETELY different than a vaginal delivery. COMPLETELY. And those of you whom have had both can attest to that I'm sure.
But Chris and I were certain that he was meant to come as a c-section, because then I could get my tubes cut and burned and be done with it--all with ONE SURGERY! If you have a vaginal delivery--you have to go back in weeks later to have your tubes cauterized--so we took this as a sign of PERFECT TIMING--this was what we were supposed to do!
So once I had the needle in my back, and arms strapped down, I didn't feel much. Just a lot of poking and pushing and pulling on my belly. And then suddenly at 8:24 a.m., my little miracle without a name, was born.
He was perfect. Chris wanted to call him Enzo at first. And the only Enzo I knew was on Vampire Diaries and I kinda didn't want my kid named after a teenie bopper show LOL. He was the smallest of all our babies. 8 lbs 1 oz. I was absolutely smitten. And because I had my tubes tied, I knew this was my last baby, so I soaked up every single moment.
Healing from the c-section wasn't fun, but oh man, it didn't matter, because I had this perfect little man who softened my heart, and renewed my belief in everything happens for a reason. My maternity leave, those 10 weeks were amazing. I didn't mind the mid-night feedings, or blow-outs, or his ear piercing screams when riding in a car. He was my very own angel, sent from God.
I remember sometime after Jasye was born, saying to Chris we needed to start going to church again. That we needed to get Alexa and Jayse, both, baptized. But between 5 kids, and me going back to work, and all good intentions, we just didn't get there. I hadn't been to church in years, since I was pregnant with Alexa I believe.
And then May 4th happened. It's been almost 7 months since that day, but those events are still as clear as if it happened today. I remember walking back to my classroom after eating lunch with my teammate and bf Maria, getting ready to go to recess and picking up my cell, seeing Connie had called. I remember thinking it was strange she'd call and not text if something was wrong. I remember telling Maria I needed to make a phone call. I remember running to the office and dialing her number. It was such an out of body experience. I remember hearing Connies voice, and the sadness in it. I remember dropping to my knees. I remember our secretary and vice principal being there. I remember crying and screaming. I remember yelling Chris' cell phone number so Cheryl could call him and tell him to get to Connie because Jayse wasn't breathing when she went to get him from his nap. I remember the car ride in Cheryl's black car. And she kept apologizing that she couldn't get me there faster. I remember calling my mom. I remember Chris calling me, once he got to Connies, and the emergency personnel telling him that Jayse didn't make it. I remember pulling in Connies driveway and sitting in the ambulance until they let us see him. I remember picking him up and hugging him. I remember singing you are my sunshine and covering him up kissing. I remember Chris telling me it was time to go. And I remember saying goodbye. I remember everything about that day. And still, it sometimes feels like a horrible, horrible nightmare that never could happen to my perfect life.
As December 15th approaches, I can't find the words to express my pain to celebrate Jayses' earthly birthday without him--I can say that Jayse, while his time here was incredibly and unfairly (in my selfish opinion) short, he made huge impacts in so many lives. My husband and I have dedicated the rest of our lives to serving our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ. Chris and I have been reading the bible, starting in the new testament--(although he is already done the new testament and half way through the old testament)--and one scripture that I have underlined and find much comfort is in 2 Corinthians 4:18 "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
I continue to believe that Jayse sends me rainbows, as he did today when I was feeling sad about tomorrow being December. I believe this earthly life is just a shimmer that fades into darkness ever so quickly. But there is hope. For as the bible says in Revelation-- there will be no more death or crying or pain for those who believe--for the glory of God gives the new heaven light and there will be no more darkness, because our Lord God is the light, and he will reign forever and ever.
Jayse has renewed my faith and it is because of his life and death that I can say I truly turned and dedicated myself to God, and I can confidently say I have been saved. I can't say all that prior to Jayses' life and death.
I invite you to e-mail/text/talk with me about building a relationship with our Lord. I'd be more than happy to share or I am capable of listening (haha--I'm not always so full of words). Feel free to email me anytime mwhitt613@gmail.com or join me at Needmore Bible Church on Sunday mornings at 10 a.m. (or 9 a.m. for Sunday school), I would love to have you. As always, I share my story, in hopes of helping others through whatever waters they are wading through. God bless you.
Mothers Day 2016, my brother and sister in law were home visiting. We all took my Mother out for lunch. I felt sick to my stomach and remember my mom saying jokingly, "Maybe you are pregnant! HA!" I was like yea right mom! You're crazy!
Let me back up a little bit more. I have always been a fan of the birth control pill, that was until I forgot to take it. So under the advice of a co-worker I opted for an IUD in May 2014. Flash to the following year (May 2015) at my next gynecological appointment--that IUD had been put in wrong--went through my uterine wall, and was 'floating' in my abdominal cavity. So that entire year, I really had no form of birth control, and didn't get pregnant--truly crazy with my track record of pregnancies. So they had to go in through my belly button to retrieve this IUD. Everything went fine, BUT after that surgery, I was never 'regular' with my period.
So back to Mothers Day 2016--upon Mom's joke about me being pregnant--I started thinking--when WAS my last period. Holy goodness, I had NO idea. This ate away at me for 2 weeks until the Tuesday after Memorial Day. I kept waiting and waiting to get my period--and it never came. So on my ride to work that morning, I stopped at Wal-mart and got the cheapest 'value' pregnancy test there was---still in disbelief that this could be possible. When I got to school, I went right into the bathroom and peed on that stick. Immediately it turned positive. How did this happen? Where would we put another baby? This was not in my plan! Who has 5 kids?! My husband had no idea I even suspected I was pregnant, he is going to have a cow!! As tears streamed down my face, I went to the office looking for my principal. Our secretary was there, so concerned when she saw I was crying, but I told her I was just looking for Donna. I found her in the gym, getting her steps in, when she saw I was upset, she immediately asked what was wrong, how could she help and I just busted out, "I'M PREGNANT!" She laughed. Literally out loud. Which looking back, I so appreciate. This woman hired me when I was pregnant with Katie, I worked for her when I was pregnant with Buddy, then hired me as a teacher, without knowing I was pregnant with Alexa, and here I was pregnant AGAIN! But she was the first one I told.
Finally, it seemed like FOREVER, two days later I mustered up the guts to tell Chris. I looked at him and said I think I'm pregnant, expecting the worst, I believe he said, "Ha" and that was the end of that conversation! To think how worried I had myself. I then even waited to call the doctor to schedule my first appointment, thinking this pregnancy would end in a miscarriage---as I have had 3 other miscarriages before.
But it didn't, so I called. At my appointment, I really had no idea how far along I was, so they did an ultrasound and I was 12 weeks!!! I had managed to get through a WHOLE trimester without knowing--I mean WHO DOES THAT?!? LOL :D
During my pregnancy, I was bound and determined to have my tubes tied, so this wouldn't happen again. So because I had my mind made up, I truly enjoyed every aspect of my pregnancy with Jayse. We found out he was a boy around 20 weeks, and the kids were so excited. I was excited. This little baby I hadn't planned for, was meant to be here. Meant to be in our family. That's what Donna kept telling me as well, that I didn't plan this, but God's plans were bigger and Jayse was going to have an impact and was supposed to be here.
We didn't have a name picked out, none at all. Chris refused to look at the baby name book, he said he wasn't going to get too excited and he had plenty of time to think. He's always been that way with all the kids!
Jayse was so fickle! He didn't want to turn, I think he was sideways or breech the entire time. My last appointment, the day before Jayse was born, Dr. Solberg, didn't send me for an ultrasound--but assured me that my belly felt like my baby was head down. So when my water broke Thursday, December 15th, I thought there was no rush to get to the hospital--as I had been through this many times before. Chris was still working 3rd shift, and I was sleeping on the couch--as I found it hard to sleep when he wasn't home. As I was turning over, around 430 or so in the morning, my water broke. I got up and got in the shower and one of the kids woke up. Katie was so excited, she called my mother in law and then Chris. He came home and we all headed to the hospital.
Once we got to the hospital, I told the nurse I wasn't sure if he was head down or not because there wasn't an ultrasound done--but Dr. Solberg said he was head down. So the mid-wife on call checked and the utlrasound showed he was in breech position.
So for the first time out of all my 5 babies, I had to have a c-section. When Dr. Oh got there, they prepped me for the c-section and I was in there shortly after 8 a.m. The whole experience was COMPLETELY different than a vaginal delivery. COMPLETELY. And those of you whom have had both can attest to that I'm sure.
But Chris and I were certain that he was meant to come as a c-section, because then I could get my tubes cut and burned and be done with it--all with ONE SURGERY! If you have a vaginal delivery--you have to go back in weeks later to have your tubes cauterized--so we took this as a sign of PERFECT TIMING--this was what we were supposed to do!
So once I had the needle in my back, and arms strapped down, I didn't feel much. Just a lot of poking and pushing and pulling on my belly. And then suddenly at 8:24 a.m., my little miracle without a name, was born.
He was perfect. Chris wanted to call him Enzo at first. And the only Enzo I knew was on Vampire Diaries and I kinda didn't want my kid named after a teenie bopper show LOL. He was the smallest of all our babies. 8 lbs 1 oz. I was absolutely smitten. And because I had my tubes tied, I knew this was my last baby, so I soaked up every single moment.
Healing from the c-section wasn't fun, but oh man, it didn't matter, because I had this perfect little man who softened my heart, and renewed my belief in everything happens for a reason. My maternity leave, those 10 weeks were amazing. I didn't mind the mid-night feedings, or blow-outs, or his ear piercing screams when riding in a car. He was my very own angel, sent from God.
I remember sometime after Jasye was born, saying to Chris we needed to start going to church again. That we needed to get Alexa and Jayse, both, baptized. But between 5 kids, and me going back to work, and all good intentions, we just didn't get there. I hadn't been to church in years, since I was pregnant with Alexa I believe.
And then May 4th happened. It's been almost 7 months since that day, but those events are still as clear as if it happened today. I remember walking back to my classroom after eating lunch with my teammate and bf Maria, getting ready to go to recess and picking up my cell, seeing Connie had called. I remember thinking it was strange she'd call and not text if something was wrong. I remember telling Maria I needed to make a phone call. I remember running to the office and dialing her number. It was such an out of body experience. I remember hearing Connies voice, and the sadness in it. I remember dropping to my knees. I remember our secretary and vice principal being there. I remember crying and screaming. I remember yelling Chris' cell phone number so Cheryl could call him and tell him to get to Connie because Jayse wasn't breathing when she went to get him from his nap. I remember the car ride in Cheryl's black car. And she kept apologizing that she couldn't get me there faster. I remember calling my mom. I remember Chris calling me, once he got to Connies, and the emergency personnel telling him that Jayse didn't make it. I remember pulling in Connies driveway and sitting in the ambulance until they let us see him. I remember picking him up and hugging him. I remember singing you are my sunshine and covering him up kissing. I remember Chris telling me it was time to go. And I remember saying goodbye. I remember everything about that day. And still, it sometimes feels like a horrible, horrible nightmare that never could happen to my perfect life.
As December 15th approaches, I can't find the words to express my pain to celebrate Jayses' earthly birthday without him--I can say that Jayse, while his time here was incredibly and unfairly (in my selfish opinion) short, he made huge impacts in so many lives. My husband and I have dedicated the rest of our lives to serving our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ. Chris and I have been reading the bible, starting in the new testament--(although he is already done the new testament and half way through the old testament)--and one scripture that I have underlined and find much comfort is in 2 Corinthians 4:18 "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
I continue to believe that Jayse sends me rainbows, as he did today when I was feeling sad about tomorrow being December. I believe this earthly life is just a shimmer that fades into darkness ever so quickly. But there is hope. For as the bible says in Revelation-- there will be no more death or crying or pain for those who believe--for the glory of God gives the new heaven light and there will be no more darkness, because our Lord God is the light, and he will reign forever and ever.
Jayse has renewed my faith and it is because of his life and death that I can say I truly turned and dedicated myself to God, and I can confidently say I have been saved. I can't say all that prior to Jayses' life and death.
I invite you to e-mail/text/talk with me about building a relationship with our Lord. I'd be more than happy to share or I am capable of listening (haha--I'm not always so full of words). Feel free to email me anytime mwhitt613@gmail.com or join me at Needmore Bible Church on Sunday mornings at 10 a.m. (or 9 a.m. for Sunday school), I would love to have you. As always, I share my story, in hopes of helping others through whatever waters they are wading through. God bless you.
