Dearest Jayse

 Dear Jayse,

Somehow minutes have turned into hours, which have turned into days. Those days turned into weeks, which turned into months. The blink of an eye turned into my entire summer, and before I knew it 100 days have passed me by.

We finished baseball season, and just like every other year, flag football and cheerleading have started, without much time off. The days are no longer scorching hot, the kind of hot that takes your breath away—but more like hot enough to be comfortable in shorts and a t-shirt. We went to finalize your grave stone today. Your foot stone is complete, and we decided how we wanted your headstone to look. I hope you like it.

I’ve read so much this summer. I’ve finished 3 books, and am in the process of reading 3 more. I don't think I've read this much since I was in middle school when I read R.L. Stine books, like nobodys' business! This is the first summer I haven’t taught summer school. I had planned to be off all summer, spending time with you, and your siblings. Enjoying you, watching you grow and change; but instead I’ve had to fill my days with busy-ness to avoid the void of your absence. 

I find myself thinking of your often. More than often. Every free second, of every day. Even during those occupied seconds I am supposed to be thinking of something else, you are constantly on my mind. The time I had with you, as well as what you would be doing if you were still alive. Crawling. Babbling. Saying Mama.

 

You changed my life. And not just because you are my kid. And not just because you died. You brought me back to Jesus. It was through your death, that I turned back to God and found strength in him. Because I have learned, that without God, and his truth, I would never be able to endure this journey of grieving you.

I am so far from perfect, but I am trying so hard to live in your honor. Every day is a battle to face the fact that you aren’t here. But then I think of you. Your smile, those dimples, that giggle. I love you more than anyone could ever understand, and the memories of our time together is what I cherish most.

I imagine by now you have all those angels wrapped around your little finger. I’m sure Nana and Grandma Mary have shown you off to everyone they know. And PapPap and Pappy John are telling you all kinds of stories! I know you’ve been helping out in heaven, because we’ve seen the rainbows and butterflies you’ve sent us.

I dream of the day when we will all be together again. My heart explodes at the thought of the joy I will feel.

  Until then,

    You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

    You make me happy, when skies are gray

  You never know dear, how much Mommy loves you

    Please don’t take Mommy’s sunshine away

    Mommy xxxx