My Strength

So we were challenged this past Sunday by our pastor to share our "eye Witness" Story of my firsthand account of the risen Jesus. I've been thinking about this all week, and tried multiple times to log onto my blog to write it, but my computer couldn't find 'connectivity'--basically with my internet here at the house, you never know if it'll work or not. So all week I've been reading, watching other preachers' sermons, and thinking about my journey.

Before

I was raised in church. Christ Lutheran Church in Hagerstown, Maryland, I believe on Cleveland Ave. I attended Sunday School, youth group, I remember singing in the choir for a year or two. I remember learning about Jesus from a very early age. 

And then life happened, as it often does. Everything I knew changed, when I was around 16 my parents divorced. I knew Jesus was there in my life, but I turned away from him. And that's hard to admit. 

In my mind, I was living my life, having a good time, making moments count. But I was lost. At 20, I dropped out of college, moved home, and got pregnant. This was my first wake up call. Having my oldest son, Karter, changed my life. This ride I was on, carefree and full of sin, was no longer just about me. I now had this responsibility of another life. 

Fast forward a few years, I had met my hubs, had a few more kiddos and knew that we needed Jesus in our lives. I was raised in church, and wanted my children to be raised in church as well. We had a wonderful pastor at Hancock United Methodist, felt connected with him, with our church, and with God. Pastor Jensen baptized us, married us, and lead beautiful heart-felt sermons that spoke to me each week. 

But as things often do--life happens. Pastor Jensen got moved to another church. At this time, I was going back to school to finish my degree to become a teacher. I was working full-time, going to school, and raising 3 little people (and a hubs!). I was exhausted, to say the least. So when Pastor Jensen left, and not feeling the same connection with the new pastor, it was just too easy not to attend church regularly--or at all. 

Then

As many of you know, May 4, 2017 happened. My beautiful, healthy, surprise 5th child, at the age of 140 days (4 1/2 months) died, peacefully in his sleep. There was no rhyme or reason to his death. We live in a messed up world, full of sin--and often, unexplainable things happen. 

As we were waiting to be able to see our baby boy, before the coroner and the police officers took him away, I remember sitting in the ambulance with the local EMT and pastor that was on call. I'm not 100% sure of the exact wording of the pastor, but I think she said something to me of the effect that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, or everything happens for a reason. And I remember looking at her and saying---being a single mom was hard, and going back to school and finishing my degree was hard. But this? My son dying, was unimaginable and unfair--how would I ever get through this? 

I will never forgot, driving home that Friday May 5th, from the funeral home, sobbing, asking my husband--how are we ever going to get through this?

Now before I tell you how he answered, I have to tell you about my husband. He is amazing, seriously amazing. He didn't grow up in a church like I did. And to be honest, he agreed to start going to church years ago with me and the kids, but we never really talked about our faith or God or what he believed. So I never really knew where he stood with Jesus.

So back to that car ride, he looked at me and said, "Well I guess we have to turn toward God, and have faith that we will see Jayse again someday."

After

I mean wow, talk about a turning point for me. He was exactly right, and from that moment on, I was changed. I knew that with Jesus in our lives, we would endure this heartache. With the strength of Jesus, we would wake up each morning and rejoice in his promises. I would be lying if I said I still didn't question, if I still wasn't grieving my Jayses' death, if I said I was at peace with going forward with my life without him. 

But I can say that with the relationship I'm growing with God, he is giving me the strength to get through, to get by, and to go on. 

I've meant to write this in previous blog posts, but it always slips my mind. YOU are welcome to attend church with my family and I. YOU are welcome to e-mail or message me and I will pray for you. YOU are welcome to contact me and we can chat about whatever is on your heart 💙