This post goes out to you, Angel Mommas.

I'm sorry I never understood. I'm sorry I judged.I'm sorry I didn't remember. I'm sorry I questioned. I'm sorry for ignoring you and your angel.I'm sorry more people don't understand. I'm sorry our world expects us to just move on. I'm sorry we are going through this.

I never, EVER understood. Having 3 miscarriages myself, I thought I could relate with the pain of losing a child, but there was no way I had any idea of what you've endured, although for me the miscarriages were the closest thing. I can't even put into words what it is like. I hear from my family members people often ask them how I am doing--a simple question that they find so hard to answer.

I judged you and wondered 'really? another post/picture/conversation". Not realizing that that is all we have. The conversations/posts/pictures to make sure our children live on, entirely depends upon us to keep posting, sharing pictures, and having conversations.

 I was too consumed in my own itty bitty problems to remember that you were facing struggles moment by moment. I'm sorry I forgot your angels' name on occasion. I'm sorry that I forgot that you even had an angel. People are busy. Wrapped up in their own lives, but all we want is for them to remember our angel. All lifes' problems go by the wayside, and everything comes into a new perspective that none of those itty bitty problems ever really mattered.

I questioned why you weren't over this yet? I mean after all, it happened so many months/years ago. It doesn't matter how much time passes, time passing can't heal our broken hearts. This new normal of living with overwhelming waves of grief have no expiration date. I imagine whether I'm 40 or 98, this sadness in my heart will be the same fierce pain it has been since the day my baby left this world.

I wasn't sure what to say when you lost your child, so I just didn't talk to you, or maybe I just ignored the topic. Like ignoring you or ignoring the fact that your child died is going to make everything ok. Nothing hurts more than the loss. Anyone bringing up our angel or asking how we are doing isn't going to make us sad, cause we are already there-- 24/7. This is how we are now--living with the constant reality that our child has left this Earth before us, such an unnatural event.

I'm sorry that when you have a good day, you feel guilty. I'm sorry that when you laugh, sometimes it brings you to tears. I am sorry for it all, and please know that you are not alone. Keep on keeping on

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Momma with a Teaching Mission

Some days it's like I'm watching my own Lifetime movie. I can't take credit for that, as I was speaking with another bereaved mother today she said it, and I thought, she's so right. Have you ever sat and watched a Lifetime movie? I mean it's a guarantee cry session. I try to stay away from them, for obvious reasons. 

Death, heaven and Jesus have become incredibly real to my family. Tonight at bedtime, I was praying with the girls, and Alexa looked at me and said outta nowhere, "but Mommy, I can't take toys to heaven....but I have an idea. You can hold a babydoll and Katie can hold a babydoll and Daddy can hold a babydoll and I can hold a babydoll, and when we die, the babydolls will go to heaven with us!" She was so proud of herself for coming up with this plan of getting her toys into heaven.

I just sat there and held back tears and nodded. What do you say to that? After we got done praying, I walked out of their room with tearing streaming down my face. The fact that my 3 year old baby understands as much as she does about dying, and heaven, and being with Jesus---it is just too much for me to handle at times. 

I'm proud to say my relationship with Jesus has grown. But I can't help but feel sadness that it took this tragedy to bring me back to him. 

..............................

I was chatting with my mom the other day, and our conversations always turn to how we are coping, what we are dealing with, the things others are saying (we find comedy in that). 

I told her my complete thinking has changed. I mean not only do I think about Jayse constantly, but I think about who is this going to happen to next? Am I going to get another call that another one of my kids died?

Like I know it's ridiculous, and not right, and really crazy, but those are the thoughts that go through my mind. 

I used to think my parents divorce when I was 16 ruined my life. And my mom would say if the worst thing that ever happens in your life is our divorce, consider yourself darn lucky. 

And then I think how did I get here. Like have you ever been watching QVC or an infommerical, and been like, what the what am I watching?!??! Yea, I think that about my life.

I still check the pack 'n play before I go to bed and when I wake up. His swing is still in our living room, and my kids push the music button on it and put it into swing mode I don't know if this is normal, but then again a perfectly healthy 4 1/2 month old baby dying is not normal. 

Many days are hard. And when I say hard, you don't even understand. And I'm not saying that to lessen your circumstances or what life has thrown at you, because I'm sure in your own perspective, you are struggling...but until you've lost a child---you just can't understand the black hole of depression that consumes who you once were, and spits out this transformed being that the 'previous' you would never recognize.

I try to stay positive and upbeat. I pray, Lord knows how I pray. I've wondered if having another baby would help lessen this pain. Not that anything would ever replace Jayse, but this pain, it's dark, and incredible. I think I would do whatever it takes to relieve it. I feel like these past 3 months have passed me by. I feel guilty, so guilty, for going back to work after he was born and not spending every waking second of the 140 days that he was here with him. I just miss him, so incredibly much. 

Kiss on your babies cheeks. Hug on your young men and little ladies. Love them with all your being. 

And praise the Lord you are able to do so.

+++++++++++++++++++

My God is awesome, and when I feel these thoughts and overwhelming emotions, I turn to him. It eases my mind, my mind which was once scared sh**less about death, to think about spending all of eternity in heaven with Jesus and Jayse, and the rest of my family.  I feel that I need to be completely honest in these posts, if I'm going to share the good things with you, I also need to share the very real, and depressing things. 

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Momma with a Teaching Mission

 Dear Jayse,

Somehow minutes have turned into hours, which have turned into days. Those days turned into weeks, which turned into months. The blink of an eye turned into my entire summer, and before I knew it 100 days have passed me by.

We finished baseball season, and just like every other year, flag football and cheerleading have started, without much time off. The days are no longer scorching hot, the kind of hot that takes your breath away—but more like hot enough to be comfortable in shorts and a t-shirt. We went to finalize your grave stone today. Your foot stone is complete, and we decided how we wanted your headstone to look. I hope you like it.

I’ve read so much this summer. I’ve finished 3 books, and am in the process of reading 3 more. I don't think I've read this much since I was in middle school when I read R.L. Stine books, like nobodys' business! This is the first summer I haven’t taught summer school. I had planned to be off all summer, spending time with you, and your siblings. Enjoying you, watching you grow and change; but instead I’ve had to fill my days with busy-ness to avoid the void of your absence. 

I find myself thinking of your often. More than often. Every free second, of every day. Even during those occupied seconds I am supposed to be thinking of something else, you are constantly on my mind. The time I had with you, as well as what you would be doing if you were still alive. Crawling. Babbling. Saying Mama.

 

You changed my life. And not just because you are my kid. And not just because you died. You brought me back to Jesus. It was through your death, that I turned back to God and found strength in him. Because I have learned, that without God, and his truth, I would never be able to endure this journey of grieving you.

I am so far from perfect, but I am trying so hard to live in your honor. Every day is a battle to face the fact that you aren’t here. But then I think of you. Your smile, those dimples, that giggle. I love you more than anyone could ever understand, and the memories of our time together is what I cherish most.

I imagine by now you have all those angels wrapped around your little finger. I’m sure Nana and Grandma Mary have shown you off to everyone they know. And PapPap and Pappy John are telling you all kinds of stories! I know you’ve been helping out in heaven, because we’ve seen the rainbows and butterflies you’ve sent us.

I dream of the day when we will all be together again. My heart explodes at the thought of the joy I will feel.

  Until then,

    You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

    You make me happy, when skies are gray

  You never know dear, how much Mommy loves you

    Please don’t take Mommy’s sunshine away

    Mommy xxxx

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Momma with a Teaching Mission