Some days it's like I'm watching my own Lifetime movie. I can't take credit for that, as I was speaking with another bereaved mother today she said it, and I thought, she's so right. Have you ever sat and watched a Lifetime movie? I mean it's a guarantee cry session. I try to stay away from them, for obvious reasons.
Death, heaven and Jesus have become incredibly real to my family. Tonight at bedtime, I was praying with the girls, and Alexa looked at me and said outta nowhere, "but Mommy, I can't take toys to heaven....but I have an idea. You can hold a babydoll and Katie can hold a babydoll and Daddy can hold a babydoll and I can hold a babydoll, and when we die, the babydolls will go to heaven with us!" She was so proud of herself for coming up with this plan of getting her toys into heaven.
I just sat there and held back tears and nodded. What do you say to that? After we got done praying, I walked out of their room with tearing streaming down my face. The fact that my 3 year old baby understands as much as she does about dying, and heaven, and being with Jesus---it is just too much for me to handle at times.
I'm proud to say my relationship with Jesus has grown. But I can't help but feel sadness that it took this tragedy to bring me back to him.
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I was chatting with my mom the other day, and our conversations always turn to how we are coping, what we are dealing with, the things others are saying (we find comedy in that).
I told her my complete thinking has changed. I mean not only do I think about Jayse constantly, but I think about who is this going to happen to next? Am I going to get another call that another one of my kids died?
Like I know it's ridiculous, and not right, and really crazy, but those are the thoughts that go through my mind.
I used to think my parents divorce when I was 16 ruined my life. And my mom would say if the worst thing that ever happens in your life is our divorce, consider yourself darn lucky.
And then I think how did I get here. Like have you ever been watching QVC or an infommerical, and been like, what the what am I watching?!??! Yea, I think that about my life.
I still check the pack 'n play before I go to bed and when I wake up. His swing is still in our living room, and my kids push the music button on it and put it into swing mode I don't know if this is normal, but then again a perfectly healthy 4 1/2 month old baby dying is not normal.
Many days are hard. And when I say hard, you don't even understand. And I'm not saying that to lessen your circumstances or what life has thrown at you, because I'm sure in your own perspective, you are struggling...but until you've lost a child---you just can't understand the black hole of depression that consumes who you once were, and spits out this transformed being that the 'previous' you would never recognize.
I try to stay positive and upbeat. I pray, Lord knows how I pray. I've wondered if having another baby would help lessen this pain. Not that anything would ever replace Jayse, but this pain, it's dark, and incredible. I think I would do whatever it takes to relieve it. I feel like these past 3 months have passed me by. I feel guilty, so guilty, for going back to work after he was born and not spending every waking second of the 140 days that he was here with him. I just miss him, so incredibly much.
Kiss on your babies cheeks. Hug on your young men and little ladies. Love them with all your being.
And praise the Lord you are able to do so.
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My God is awesome, and when I feel these thoughts and overwhelming emotions, I turn to him. It eases my mind, my mind which was once scared sh**less about death, to think about spending all of eternity in heaven with Jesus and Jayse, and the rest of my family. I feel that I need to be completely honest in these posts, if I'm going to share the good things with you, I also need to share the very real, and depressing things.
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