80 days it has been. Every single one of them I've woken up hoping this was just some sort of dream, in which I was to learn a lesson. My life would be forever changed, I would learn my lesson, and get to go back 80 days ago and this terrible, horrible thing would have never happened.
When I wake up each morning, I immediately check the pack 'n play (which is still in our bedroom) to see if this nightmare is over. I think, today--today's going to be the day he's back.
It's not, and I suppose I am starting to realize this is my new reality.
Yes, luckily, I have pictures and videos of Jayse, 269 to be exact, but they will never be enough. I have a beautiful portrait drawn of Jayse in the dining room, and an amazing picture painted of the sun setting over the ocean with a rainbow in the sky, with his name written in it. I have pictures of Jayse plastered everywhere in our living room, his face is even on a blanket over my couch. In fact as I sit here, his eyes are looking back at me, from that blanket.
I have 'good' days and not so good days. Idle time is difficult. Being a passenger in a car is difficult. My mind constantly goes to Jayse. Even when I'm busy, I'm pre-occupied thinking about him. This is hard to describe to anyone that has never lost anyone.
And up until my grandfather died a few years back, I had never lost anyone. Then my grandmother died. With both of my grandparents, it was difficult, but it was also expected. I knew one day they would pass. After their deaths, I missed them immensely. But losing Jayse has been completely and utterly different than that. Maybe because it is out of order for a parent to lose a child. Maybe because he wasn't sick, and he was perfectly healthy. Maybe because he truly changed me, being pregnant and having him softened my hard heart. He was my angel, here on Earth, in all aspects of that word--his life forever changed me, as well as his death is the reality that plays on repeat every second of every day.
I continue to pray for peace, and comfort, and guidance. Know that you are not alone in your struggles, whatever they may be. Our God is there for us-- he loves us and cares about us. Matthew 5:4 says, Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. I have found great comfort in growing my relationship with God. My husband and I have been reading the Bible, as well as reading Draw a Circle by Mark Batterson, which is a 40 day prayer challenge. I have found comfort in praying and have felt God's love surround my family and I.
This pain in my heart will forever be there, but the promises of our Lord is what get me through each and every day.
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