This is the year you would have been so into Christmas. You would have been so mesmerized by the festive lights and Christmas decorations. You'd sing right along with, "Better not pout I'm telling you why, Santa Claus...." You would have been so excited about Sparkle, our elf, and she would have brought you and your siblings holiday pjs, like she has every other year. You would have been so excited to sit on Santa's lap, and tell him you wanted race cars, just like Daddy drives, or maybe you'd say you want a bike, like your big brothers have. This would have been the year, you would get to go out and build a snowman with Katie and Alexa, and go sledding with Karter and Buddy. We would go to Karter and Buddy's basketball games, and they'd be heroes in your eyes. This would be the year, that your proud big sister Alexa would help you per-fect your drawings. She'd surely direct (or maybe boss) you on how to draw the perfect square or circle. You would probably yell for me, "Mommy, Lex bossy" and I'd just laugh. This would be the year that your biggest sister, Katie, would make sure her littlest brother knew all his colors and numbers. She would love reading to you, and you would love to snuggle with her. This would be the year that you'd get scraps, and bruises and booboos from playing so rough. Daddy would kiss them to make them 'all better', and I would scoop you up with a long hug, knowing you were my last little one to enjoy this with. In the spring, we would sign you up for your first year of tee ball. You'd be a natural, so good and so fast. Sometimes, you would stand out in the field and pick the grass, waiting for a ball to get hit to you. This would be the year you'd be so excited to go watch Daddy race the fast cars. You'd know the different drivers by their car colors, and we'd spend many weekends at the race track. This would be the year we'd get to spend another summer 'off' together, my five beautiful babes and me. Some days we'd go to the pool, or maybe the movies. Maybe we'd explore through our woods, or go play at the park. But most of the time we would spend at home relaxing and playing outside, enjoying each other. This would be the year.

But, instead I sit here daydreaming of these things.

In every rainbow, in the eyes of your sisters and brothers, in all that has happened since you left this world-- I know I will see you again.

Happy 3rd birthday Jayse Perry Ebersole. I love you so much.

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Momma with a Teaching Mission

I have this terrible habit of laying my empty coffee mug around in the most random places. Many times I drink my coffee on the couch, so after I drink it, the mug often ends up just laying on the couch...until I go back for another cup. (Eventually the coffee cup will end up in the sink....eventually.)

Two years ago on Mothers Day, my wonderful children, gave me a coffee cup. This coffee cup has held a special place in my heart. I carried this coffee cup to work with me this past year, and often the coffee I drank at work, this mug would be my cup of choice to enjoy my coffee. This cup was special, not only because my children gave it to me, but because it had a J on it. My older children know how much I miss Jayse, and they take every opportunity to remind me that they love him and love me too. When they gave me this cup, it was because Jayses' "J" was on it.

So the other day, it was raining, and the children were bouncing off the wall. Katie, Buddy, and Alexa were playing tag back the hall, out to the living room, to the dining area, and back again. I think I was in the kitchen starting to make dinner, and I heard a shattering sound. I immediately knew it was my cup. What I didn't know, or expect, was the reaction of my children.

I walked over and got the broom and dust pan and started to sweep up the broken coffee cup pieces. I was met with tear-filled eyes and "I'm so sorry mommy" from my babies. It just broke my heart. Was I upset that my favorite coffee cup was broken? Yes, of course---but it was an accident, and really my fault because I shouldn't of haphazardly left it sitting on the couch. But to see my children so upset that they broke my cup, it just broke my heart. I told them it was only a cup, it was an accident, and I wasn't mad.

Sometimes I truly forget that these little people have real feelings. Sometimes I think that I'm alone in this grief journey, and then I'm quickly reminded that these sweet little people that God has entrusted to me are also wading the grief waters.

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Momma with a Teaching Mission

So we've done it. We've made the move, 919 miles away from home. The past month has flown by; mostly all the boxes are unpacked, children are registered for school, we've found a wonderful biblical teaching church, and we are in somewhat of a routine. Of course with registering the kids for school, it seemed as though hoops had to be hopped. I had to take the kids shot records to the health department to be transferred to a certain state form, only to find out Katie needed a certain shot. So then the tears ensued, not from me, but Katie :) She, much like her mother, doesn't like shots. But surprisingly when she got the shots, she didn't shed one tear! And then finally, after what seemed to be quite the process, the kids are now all registered!

But since moving, I've thought about where do I go from here with my writing. Do I continue to share about dealing with grief? Do I change it up and write about our adventures in Florida? Do I stop writing altogether? I don't know. Well, I haven't come up with a good answer. I just know it's been a while since I've written, and felt it necessary to sit down in front of the computer and word vomit.

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I have always been so guilty of word vomiting. Yes, that's a thing. Word vomiting is just incessantly talking. Like think of puke, just spewing out of someones mouth, and replace that puke with words. Quite the picture, right? Sorry, not sorry :D 

Let me give you an example of word vomiting. One time, when, let's just call him a VERY IMPORTANT PERSON in my school district, visited my classroom, and I just incessantly spilled our story of Jayse, and how we were moving to Florida, God's work in our lives, and e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. But I didn't end there! No I then made the situation so much more comfortable (insert sarcastic tone here) by hugging him!! But I will say, that this VERY IMPORTANT PERSON had stopped back in to see me a couple times throughout the school year to check and see how I was doing, and how the plans to Florida were coming. So I guess I made some sort of an impression :D

Or the time, when a new employee to our school, was minding his own business, doing his job and cleaning my room. I think he maybe either asked me -- how are you doing? Or maybe it was how long have you taught here (at that school)? Well I think the 5 or so words he asked were answered with a word vomit of 1000+ words of everything that has happened the past 6 years since working at Maugansville. Sometimes there is just no predicting when the word vomit will happen :D

So maybe my future writings will just be incoherent, incessant thoughts that one or two of you can follow? Maybe they may be filled with a funny story, or inspiring quote, or what Gods' doing within my life. If you know me, you know that it'll always be real, whatever the writings are about. Or maybe just word vomit :D

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Momma with a Teaching Mission

     Today was just another day. Typical May in Pennsylvania, warm and sunny one moment and raining with a chill in the air the next. From a fly on the wall, looking in, one wouldn't have noticed anything different in the hub-bub of our daily family routine. Cleaning the bathroom, doing some laundry, kiddos playing outside, hubs fixing the bikes to go for a bike ride, trip to the grocery store, walk on the Canal; nothing out of the ordinary Saturday in our house (well actually it was a lot less busy than normal with no kids sporting events).
     It also happens to be May 4th. In case I'm a stranger to you, and you don't know me, or my story, and this is the first time you've visited my blog, May 4th is the date of my youngest sons, Jayse, death. The autopsy ruled it SIDS, which continues to claim the lives of thousands of babies each year. Sudden infant death syndrome is the leading cause of death among infants one month to one year in age. In 2017, there were 3600 sudden infant deaths in the United States alone. You may think you're the Mac Daddy of Moms, but I want you to know, it can happen to your baby, because it happened to mine.
     I think last year we celebrated this date by releasing balloons. I just wasn't into that idea this year. I didn't want to celebrate this date. I strongly dislike the term angel-versairy. And I really don't need a date to remember or honor him. I'm sure every other bereaved parent would agree with me, I remember him every.single.day. I honor him in all that I do every.single.day. We love our babies that aren't here on Earth with us. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely appreciate and love those that have thought of me today with the messages, texts, prayers and phone calls. But let it be known, that I didn't shed any more tears today than I do any other day.
    One of the most difficult moments of this day today was finding my 5 year old in the bathroom sobbing. I knelt down beside her, asking her what was wrong, she continued to cry and mouthed Jayse and hugged my neck so tight. She misses him so incredibly much, sometimes her pain makes me feel like my pain is inferior. She didn't even know what today was, until last night my older daughter told her, "tomorrow is the day Jayse died". As we were riding in the truck, her little lip pouted out and the tears ran down her cheeks, and she bawled how much she missed him.

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      Friday morning, May 3rd, I drove myself to work, as Chris stayed home to work on a paper for a scholarship. All decked out in my rainbow shirt and rainbow faux leather earrings, wanting to honor Jayse, I couldn't help but feel scared and alone. The old questioning and fear burned inside my chest. Is this moving to Florida thing going to work? People down there don't know me like my family up here at Maugansville and Needmore know me. They don't know Jayse. I am SOOO incredibly protected by my family up here, will I have anyone down there? How will I make it through the tough moments or days? I bowed my head and went to the Lord in prayer--I said, "God I know you're here, but today, please give me strength, please dear God remind me that you are here."
    As I started my day, my dearest and closest friend gifted me with a verse that has been my go-to for the last two years. Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called, according to his purpose." This sign even had a rainbow on it.         Later, after my kiddos returned from Library, one of my students said, "Mrs. Ebersole, why do you look so blue today?" Now it wouldn't be out of the ordinary for me to have somehow gotten marker or some kind of blue material on my face, so I responded, "What do you mean?" To which she said, 'I don't know, you just look so sad." And as she said that she reached out and hugged me. Now I have some daily huggers in my classroom, ones that will hug anyone any chance they get, but this girl, she's never hugged me. It was a super sweet moment.
      Then during lunch, our PTO got pizza and cake for the 4 staff members that are leaving, so my teammates and I sat around and ate that for lunch. Usually, my one co-worker doesn't eat in the staff lounge with us, but on Friday she did. As we were chatting, this co-worker was talking about how she had got a new student, to which another one of my co-workers asked, "What's his name?" To which she responded "Jayse".
      After returning from recess, I entered my room to find a beautiful arrangement of flowers and a sweet card written by 3 lovely ladies that work at Maugansville with me. Their heartfelt notes brought tears to my eyes.
     As I was driving home, by myself Friday, I couldn't help but think of the days events. Somehow throughout the day, I had forgotten the prayer I prayed in my van before entering the building, but then suddenly it hit me. I had asked God to remind me that he was here and present with, and he did. As I looked up at the sky, the sun hiding behind some clouds made the sunlight appear as a cross, oh it brought tears to my eyes.

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     I share this with you because God has done a mighty work in my life since this day back in 2017. He's changed lives and shown to me over and over again that he is here and ever-present in my life. Having hope and assurance that Jayse is with Jesus in heaven is what I cling to, and what we teach our children. I have great days and not so great days, but I know through it all, God has been there, by my side---and I know he's not leaving my side anytime soon.

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Momma with a Teaching Mission

How many times have you mindlessly used google maps, or another internet source for direction? I use google maps all the time! It is my go-to when I am lost, or by myself driving, or need directions to one of the kids sporting events. According to Google :), Google now processes over 40,000 search queries every second on average, which translates to over 3.5 billion searches per day and 1.2 trillion searches per year worldwide. I'm not sure, but I'd be curious as to God's search queries per second, day, and year. 

My middle son, whom we lovingly refer to as "Buddy", had basketball practice last night. He is playing basketball this year over in Berkeley Springs, and even though Berkeley is not that far from where we live, I rarely go over there. Trying to make the most use of my time, while he was at practice, I ran over to the grocery store in Berkeley. I had to use Google Maps to get there, and of course I had to use it to get back.

I am not a fan of driving, let alone driving at night. On my way back to the school, google maps took me on the back roads. It was dark, the West Virginia roads were winding, and I had an unhappy pick-up truck behind me flashing his high beams in my rear view mirror---which I can imagine was due to my continuous slow speed, and braking at random moments. I began thinking how trusting we are, I am, in things like Google maps. Did google maps get me to my destination, yes. But, I had no idea where the stop signs were, or which roads were narrow, or that there was a one-lane bridge. I had no familiarity with the landscape.

What if we were to blindly follow our Lord, the way we follow google.

Since Jayse's death in May of 2017, the Lord has set my husbands heart on fire for Jesus. He got saved later in May 2017, and has been completely consumed with studying, listening, and learning everything he can about God and his word. When the mention of him going into the pastoral ministry was brought up, he would say, 'Oh no....I don't think I can do that.' (or something along those lines). But as time went on, I think he knew where the Lord was pushing him. Sometime in the summer of 2018, he text me jokingly asking if I wanted to move to Florida. My response was "LOL....sure". Chris found a college in Florida. We scheduled a trip to visit the college in September, he applied to the college and was accepted in late October, and we decided in November that this was what we were going to do. 

We are planning to move down to Florida in late June/early July. We don't know where we are going to live, and we don't know where I am going to work. We plan on selling our house here in PA, and I am in the process of getting a FL teaching certificate. We aren't sure what life in FL will look like, but we know it will be very different from our life in PA. We will be going from a 2 income family to 1 income. Our children will be going from our rural school district (appox 909 students according to Wikipedia-- this is for grades K-12) to schools that are 4 times that just at the High School level.  But we are trusting that all of that will work out, because it will. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)

Are we crazy? You may think so. Leaving everything and everyone we know and love, uprooting, and moving to a new place where we'll know no one, it sounds crazy. I mean my husband has lived on the same road his entire life!! All the houses he's lived in (3), are within a football field length of each other. SO yes, moving to Florida, or even the idea of moving to FL is just not normal. But...we feel as though this is what is in God's plans for us. The truth of the matter is that I can thankfully teach anywhere. I think my step-mom said it best when I shared with her our plans---and I'm paraphrasing-- 'thinking that Jayse's death brought you two to Christ, and that now we will serve to bring others to Christ--still so many lives to be influenced by Jayse's death.'

God is so amazing. He loves us and takes care of us. He takes our garbage, mistakes, tragedies, and broken filthy hearts, he creates beauty from all that rubbish. In this new year, I would encourage you to trust, and build a relationship with our Lord and Savior. Now maybe your trusting God is not moving to Florida, and that's great! Because he has a plan for each and everyone of us. He commands us in Joshua 1:9, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." 

I'd love to talk with you more about my Christian journey to trusting in Jesus, as always, feel free to email me at mwhitt613@gmail.com

May God bless you!

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Momma with a Teaching Mission