Not every day is a horrible day. I'm just like you. We each are dealing with something, that is weighing on our hearts.
But in the past 75 days, there has been some silver linings. And I thought it was important to share those too. Because this grief thing, it's not all sad. I mean yes, it is sad. It's awful, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, and I would do anything to change it, take it back, and have things not work out this way. But I don't have that option, so seeing the silver linings are a must. Or else I would drive myself crazy, and that doesn't help anyone (myself included).
There have been people come into my life in the past 2 months that I have been so thankful for. Some of these people I was just acquaintances with before, and now I consider them a friend. Some of these people have stood with me and been a listening ear for me in my darkest moments, a shoulder to cry on, or a text message away, and I am so and forever thankful to them. I have been truly blessed with amazing friendships that have blossomed, as well as been rekindled and I am so very thankful.
The past 2 months has brought my family closer. I am not proud of the fact that over the years, I have been hard headed and just down right impossible to get along with. But thankfully I have an amazing family that has shown me so much grace and been there for me as a sounding board, guiding words, and an example to me of what having faith looks like -- I have been changed by them, and I am forever grateful.
The past 2 months have been a roller coaster of emotions and feelings toward God. I've questioned, begged, pleaded, and prayed daily. Many people don't understand. They don't have to. We are all on our own journey, and we all have to get right with the Lord. You may not understand me or my faith or my realtionship with God, and that's ok. I just hope that through me and my relationship, you can get inspired to have a relationship with our Holy Father as well.
The thing is, here lately, I was starting to question, was I saved? Was I going to see Jesus and experience heaven and get to hold my baby again? In church, our pastor has been preaching about getting saved, and if you think or question if you're saved, you need to have a conversation. So I had that conversation this week with one of the great pastors at our church(who is another silver lining to all this). I have gone to church for as long as I can remember. I've always believed in Jesus, and that he is the son of God, and that he died for our sins, and that we are all sinners. But I still worried that I wasn't currently on the right track to getting into heaven someday. I just wanted to make sure, I wanted to have someone tell me YOU'RE GOOD, YOU'RE IN, HERE'S A STAMP OR A TICKET, YOU'RE ON THE LIST! But that's not how it goes. Only I (and Jesus) know what is in my heart, but I will tell you that having that conversation with my pastor this week laid the foundation to the peace I have felt. The past 7 days I feel like I have been pointed into the direction God sees fit for me and I know that I have been saved.
At night, I pray with my children. I have done this for as long as I've had children, so about 12 years. Before that I prayed by myself, in bed, right before drifting off to sleep. And as long as I can remember, I have prayed the same prayer. I have prayed for God to use me to reach to others. I have prayed for him to show me the way and I told him that I would do the work. I feel like that prayer is now unfolding, as I hope to continue to reach out and give others hope.
The past 75 days have been a relentless torment to go on and to keep on keeping on. But I've never been a quitter. As long as there in breath in my body I will continue to sing the praises of our God. It is because of him, and his promise, that I will live eternally in heaven with him, and my Jayse again.
There's always a silver lining, you just have to be willing to look.
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