I remember being 7, and thinking, anticipating about turning 8. When I was 8 I would be able to do so many things. And then I turned 8, thinking that on that day, something magical would happen, that somehow, in some way, I would be transformed and so much would change. That never happened. My 8th birthday came and went. I had built it up so much in my mind, this monumental event of turning 8, but nothing changed.
So many times throughout my life I had the same feeling. That anxiety, butterflies in my stomach that when THIS, THAT, or THE OTHER happens, so much will change. I felt that way when I was about to graduate from high school. I felt that way when I was about to have my first baby, Karter. I felt that way when I was about to start new jobs. I felt that way when I was about to turn 30. I felt that way when I became a teacher. So much time I spend anticipating different life events. And when those magical days/moments/times happened, nothing changed. It wasn't like Cinderella and my carriage turned back into a pumpkin at the stroke of midnight. These events came and went, and all the anticipation and anxiety was really for nothing.
Shortly after Jayse passed and I had done the math that he was born on a Thursday, died on a Thursday, here on Earth exactly 4 1/2 months, or 20 weeks, or 140 days. I started feeling anxious about when it would mark him living in heaven for 140 days. I started thinking, when that day comes, it's going to be hard. That day will mark an equal time spent away from me that he was with me, only his time away from me will only grow larger and larger, while I'm living here on Earth.
Except for this time, for this event I've been worrying over, something has changed.
I have changed. I have the strength the Lord, our God, has instilled in me. I no longer worry about others opinions. I don't worry about praying in front of strangers at dinner. I no longer care what people think of my views. I don't need the validation of others. I'm not living this life for them. I no longer worry about the temporary, fading away space in which we live.
These past 140 days have changed me. A magical moment? Well, maybe.
Only with God's strength have I been able to endure, to have a voice, to lead, and reach out to others. Only with God's strength have I been able to find joy and comfort in his truth. Only in God's strength have I been able to look to my future and know I am not alone. And only with him, have I been able to continue, and move forward.
140 days will only continue growing, but I know with God guiding me, I will continue to change and transform, with our Lord leading the charge, and Jayse cheering me on.
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