As I sit here, spending my last Monday of 2018 sipping my 3rd cup of coffee, in my slippers, I can't help but dream about 2019.

In some ways, a year seems to take F.O.R.E.V.E.R. Like when you turn 15, and you have 1 year until you can drive and have FREEDOM! Or when you find out you're pregnant, and waiting to snuggle your new precious baby, those 40 weeks seem to slowly pass by. Or entering your last year of college, or high school, it seems like an eternity until graduation day.

But on the other hand, a year also seems like a blink of an eye, especially when looking back. The first year of each of my children's lives flew by. My first year teaching seemed to fly by as well. And 2018, seemed to have passed by like a thief in the night, and here we are with a few hours left until a new year.

For me, 2018 was spent feeling my way through a dense fog. Have you ever driven a familiar road in heavy fog? That road that you knew so well, all of a sudden felt foreign and strange. That's how I felt, every single day. And maybe that's what grief does to a person. It clouded my entirety.

How are you feeling about 2019? For our family, it will be a year of change and new beginnings. A year of trusting completely in God. It will be a year like none other.  A year that could only be described as a leap of faith. And I'm beyond thrilled for this journey.

Stay tuned for exciting changes...

I want you to know that whatever challenges, obstacles, unforeseen events 2019 has in store for you, you can handle it. Sometimes you don't know your own strength. It may take being backed in a corner, forced to fight, and face your fears. Some may not see that you had no other option than grabbing that strength, and clinging to it. Because with that strength, you learn you are so much stronger than you'd ever imagined.

Maybe that strength looks like lending an ear and listening, instead of giving unsolicited advice. Or maybe it looks like saying goodbye, or maybe that strength looks like swallowing your pride and forgiving.

Here's a toast to a 2019 filled with bright new beginnings, days filled with intentional decisions, and adventures that bring great joy. May 2019 be everything you hope it to be.

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Momma with a Teaching Mission

Because there's been a number of blog posts I've started and haven't finished....

Because sometimes I second guess what I'm thinking and its value....

Because sometimes I think they've heard it all before....

But maybe, just maybe, someone needs to read this.

As I scroll through social media, my heart hurts. So many broken families, broken hearts, and broken people. I never saw it before Jayses death. I was blinded to all the hurt and pain, I never noticed the common thread through so many of my family and friends-- grief. Not only grieving of a loved one that had died, but grieving of a lost marriage, or lost relationship, grieving of a lost job, career, friendship or opportunity. 

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Sometimes my grief overwhelms me. Like I can feel it there, right there, in my throat, causing me to be silent. In the back of my eyes, welling up, ready to spring forth at a moments notice. In my chest, tight and unable to breathe, or move, or think of anything else. This is not all the time, but it comes in those waves people refer to when they are talking of grief. It can be triggered by anything or anyone, and yet that same trigger one day, may not be a trigger the next. 

And if I'm being honest, as December closes in, I reminisce and my heart aches for those naive times.  I was content, for what I knew contentment to be, living in my own satisfied ways. I was blinded by my own circumstances, that I never saw or noticed others and their problems or troubles. I only cared about me, can you relate?!?  I had no idea what was going on in the lives of those around me, or what trials they were facing.

But with my God-given awareness, I have felt convicted to share with others, anyone who will listen, the same hope I have found. My eyes have been opened, and I empathize with those in pain, because of my own pain.

If you are suffering, know that you are not alone. The pain and hurt you feel, we all feel it too. I turned right to the bible verse tonight in 1 Peter 5:9, "Stand firm against him (him being the devil), and be strong in your faith. Remember that your family of believers all over the world is going through the same kind of suffering you are." Some days I manage to smile, and some days I smile a lot, that doesn't mean the pain isn't still there. That pain is always there, it's always going to be there. That is just who we become when we have endured grief.

But I know that our God is magnificent, he keeps his promises! In 1st Peter 5:10, it also reads, "So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you" What awaits us in heaven is so much more than this world has to offer, it makes me think of the song by MercyMe I can only imagine. God will wipe away every tear from our eyes and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain--ALL THESE THINGS ARE GONE FOREVER (Revelation 21:4).  What a glorious day that will be when our hearts penetrated with grief are wrung out and made light as a feather. 

There is hope when you feel hopeless. There is security when you feel doubt. There is truth when you feel discouragement. Jesus Christ. He is the answer. He gives me hope, security, and his word gives me truth.

I'd love to talk with you more about him, or my Christian journey to trusting in him, as always, feel free to email me mwhitt613@gmail.com.

May God bless you!

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Momma with a Teaching Mission

Last night, as I wiped an eyelash off Alexas' cheek, she sweetly asked to blow it and make a wish. She informed me that if you don't tell anyone your wish, it will indeed come true. I laughed and said yes I think you are right. She blew the eyelash away, and looked up at me and said if my wish comes true I'll have another baby brother. The sunglasses over my eyes hid my tears from my 4 year old daughter, and I smiled at her and reminded her how much I love her.

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Shortly after Jayse died, I was convinced we were meant, destined even, to have another child. Every fiber of my being wanted to fill the void in my arms with a new little life. A rainbow to lessen the pain from this unfair, violent disaster. Not a day goes by that the events of Jayses' life, and the surgical tech's voice (from the delivery room) doesn't ring in my ears, "it'll take an act of God for you to get pregnant again." 

I remember talking with different OBGYNs' toward the end of my pregnancy with Jayse about having my tubes tied. And each of them approached me with the same caution, and would say something to the effect that---in any circumstance, you are ok with not having anymore children? And each time I would nod and say absolutely. Out of the 8 times I have been pregnant, 2 of those times were planned. People used to joke with Chris and I and say what are we trying for a basketball team, or don't we know where babies come from? Fertile Melanie I was.

So, thinking out birth control after Jayse, we thought that I'd get my tubes tied. But never did I dream MY baby would die from SIDS. 

Not even 8 weeks after Jayses' death, we met with infertility specialists. I had all the testing done to be a candidate for IvF, and I was good to move forward with the next steps in the process. The bloodwork, my egg count, and uterine dimensions determined I was a perfect candidate for in vitro fertilization. 

Only we couldn't. Yes the price tag that went along with IvF for someone that had had their tubes tied is quite hefty (its not covered by insurance), but that wasn't the reason. Nothing or no one can replace Jayse. With his short life and 15 months since his death, I have witnessed God do great works and miracles in my own life. I know that God can move mountains, heal the sick, and make the impossible possible. I know that if He wanted to, He would put my fallopian tubes back together. But I also know and trust that His plan for me is greater than my own. 

One of the biggest hurdles in becoming a Christian was scrappling with the fact that I am not in control.  And for so long I thought I was. I remember when I got hired as a teacher, after completing my masters with 3 small kids and pregnant with baby #4 thinking man "I DID IT, I DID ALL THIS"--it's finally gonna all work out. I worked so hard. I've been through so much. I got this. I got my happily ever after. The end.

But, thankfully, through the loss and tragedy, heartache and grief, God called me. And I've learned that I don't have it, I don't have anything. I am a MESS! I haven't done anything, without Him having His beautifully sovereign hand in it. He's been there with me this entire time, and He will continue to be there with me, until He calls me home. 

As always, if you'd like to chat about our Lord and Savior, please email me at Mwhitt613@gmail.com. God bless you!

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Momma with a Teaching Mission

I think back to life as a child, with those rose-colored glasses. I remember thinking and believing life was like a blank tape. I spent so many hours with a blank tape in hand, waiting for Ace of Base, Hootie and the Blowfish, or Alanis Morisette to come on the radio so I could grab my boombox and record them. I would plan out which songs I would tape and  patiently wait for them to play on the radio. But then sometimes you could hear my younger sister talking in the background, or I stopped recording before the song was over, or once in a while, a song would come on that wasn't on my 'must tape list'. Then I thought, I bet that's how life is. You start with a blank tape, and your life is the album or mixed tape you get as a result of the songs you choose to record or the way you choose to live your life. I thought I was so clever when I came up with that.

This past year of 34 has been consumed with 'surviving'. My mind has often been...elsewhere--as I think of a word to describe it, the only thing I can come up with is elsewhere. I haven't been fully present, and I know that. I know that I'm coming out of this fog that I feel like I've been in for the past 13 months, but it hasn't been easy. I've clung to God's promises and dove into learning his word, and I know he's changed me. I've surrendered to him, and because he is a gracious and loving God, he has saved me. So for this year of 35, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone.

These first 35 years have been filled with so much joy and I've been beyond blessed, but I've also experienced heartache and had my share of struggle. I'd love for the next 35 years to be filled with Jesus at the center of my life. I know in another 35 years, I'll be 70. And 35 years after that, if I'm still alive I'd be 105. All that time will pass by in a moment, and my prayer is that when I met Jesus he will tell me, "Well done, good and faithful servant!"

So watch out :) I have big things planned God has put on my heart 💙 for the year of 35.

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Momma with a Teaching Mission

So in these adolescent and early teenage raising years, my life consists of driving kids to and from practices, refereeing arguments, and <insert a sarcastic tone> being a horribly unfair mom that makes disgusting food and takes away IPads and IPods for no apparent reason. I love my children, but oh man, being a mom isn't an easy job. The other half of my day is teaching other peoples children. Bloody boogers, poop smeared toilet seats, emotional baggage brought from home--no one informed me this was a part of teaching when I was in college. I absolutely love my life, but there are no aspects about it that are easy.  Throw in the waves of grief, and most days I don't have a second to spare. 

The moments that I do get free, you know, after the kids go to sleep and before I pass out from exhaustion, I religiously watch shows that I have DVRed. Some of the shows I watched were Greys', How to get away with Murder, Scandel, Chicago Fire, Chicago Med, Timeless, The walking Dead, Designated Survivor, For the People, Quantico, American Crime, Station 19, The Blacklist, Chicago PD, Shades of Blue, Animal Kingdom. And that's just shows I've watched in the last year. 

Like seriously a problem, right?!?! The invention of DVR changed my life. I could simply record shows and then play them back and fast forward through the commercials!! I would get lost in the lives of these characters. I would vicariously live through them. The risky situations and scandalous plot lines, the love affairs and dangerous life choices, oh my goodness, I loved it!

But when I truly looked as to why I loved it, that's when it hit me. SIN. I know sin is wrong. I know murdering and I know hating others and being envious of others is wrong. I know that lying and stealing are wrong. So I try not to do any of these things, but watching them and taking joy in them on TV is just a way I decompress, or veg out and relax, right?

You see, there's this passage of scripture in Romans chapter 7:14-25. It's all about struggling with sin. 

 So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong, it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. I have discovered this principle of life---that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law with all my heart. But here is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am ! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?

This is my own words and understanding:

I don't know why I do the things I do. I wanna do the right thing, but instead I do things that I know are evil and wrong. I wanna be a good person and do the right thing. I don't though, I continue to do things that I know are morally wrong. But it's not me that's doing it, it's the sin that lives within my heart. We are all born with this human sinful nature, we are all slaves to this sin that lives within us.

So you see, the obsession with watching my DVRed shows, with the twisted characters and illicit love triangles, stemmed from the desires of my sinful heart. 

Maybe your vice isn't ridiculously far-fetched, fictional television shows. Maybe you enjoy one too many adult beverages, or gossiping about your co-workers. Maybe you partake in some illegal drug use (it's legal in some states so that makes it ok!) or take some money out of the donation jar. Maybe you are having an affair or maybe you only dream about having an affair.

What it boils down to, is that we are all sinners. Bottom line. I am no better than you, and you are no better than me. WE ALL SIN. We make excuses for our sins. We try to hide them, deny them, justify them, or flat out lie about them. We say we are gonna change. We make new years resolutions  and swear never again. Sometimes we are good at putting on that mask and parading around in our show, making the statement I'VE CHANGED, but before long, that old sinful nature rears its nastiness and we are a slave to sin once more. So how in the world can we truly change? In a world full of darkness and despair, it can feel hopeless.

But my friends, I have good news. The answer to this sinful nature is Jesus Christ. His life giving spirit frees ALL who will believe, from being a slave to sin. God sent Jesus to this Earth, in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sin's control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins. (Romans 8:3) 

I know it's hard to accept. Like all I have to do to be saved is believe Jesus lived and died for me? What's the catch? How much is this gonna cost me? Is there a credit check involved? Or community service? 

God chose you. He chose me. He sent his son, Jesus, to die for those dark sins we're hiding. His blood wiped, and continues to wipe, us clean. He loves us that much. There's no dotted lines to sign on, no strings attached. And I know for me, the moment I turned my life over to Christ, a weight was lifted, the clouds were opened, and I felt so very different. This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! (2 Corinthians 5:17)

The deeper I get into this journey, the more I feel my heart sing. Things are pressed onto my heart, and I just have to write. I intended this post to be about a completely different topic, and then as I was writing and looking for scripture, it turned to be a post about sinful nature. I pray this post can help you, or if you know someone you think it could help, please share it with them. 

God Bless You.

And I'll close with a verse I hold near and dear to my heart here within the last year. 

So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

2 Corinthians 4:18

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Momma with a Teaching Mission

So as things often happen, it's funny, or should I say, miraculous, to see our God at work.

I have to admit, I did not listen to him calling me, more like beckoning me tonight. And I just had to write about it, because the guilt from not following his will, has been all that I could think about the past 2 hours.

So the events leading up to this----it's been a normal Wednesday usual crazy Wednesday! My older daughter, Katie, ended up having strep throat, and then after taking Lex and Buddy to the doctors too, we found out they both had ear infections!!

So shortly after 7 p.m., I ended up on the CVS in Hagerstown, that is right in Hagerstown on Cannon Ave. This CVS is not the one I normally go to, but it is the most convenient for us when going straight home. 

So this particular CVS pharmacy was super busy at 7 p.m., and after telling the cashier my name, she informed me she had to mix up the meds, so I would have to wait a few minutes.

As I'm standing there waiting, I heard different customers speaking with the cashiers, not really paying any attention to their conversations. I noticed this younger woman walk up to the register, she stated her birthday 5-4-1991, and she immediately had my attention. 

May 4th is Jayses' angel-iversary date. Something in me, when I heard her date of birth, wanted to give her a great big hug. Something in me wanted to tell her it was going to be ok. I didn't hear anything in her voice that conveyed to me that she was in distress, or angry, but I felt a need to comfort her.

She was on the phone, and I was intimidated. And I didn't take God's guiding hand, leading me to reach out to this girl. After she got her prescription, she quickly walked out of CVS. As I was standing there waiting for Lex and Buddys meds, there she went, and I knew I missed my chance.

 

Anyway, the bottom line and entire point to this post, is that you have to have faith. Even when things seem crazy, and rejection is staring you in your face; when the sky is dark, and no end is in sight--we have to have faith--this is all bigger than us. We are all little pieces of this ridiculously large puzzle, coming together to create something beautiful.

So if you, reading this, are Jessica B. with the date of birth 5/4/91--know that you are not alone. That you are loved, and that God hasn't given up on you ;)

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Momma with a Teaching Mission

Yes, it's true. He does. You pray. He answers.

Wouldn't that be funny if that's all I wrote. I mean that's the meat and potatoes of it right there! All you have to do is speak to him, and he answers.

Now, maybe I should also add, it may not be always how you expect, or want him to answer, but he hears you.

It makes me think of school. I mean I only have 25 little 7 and 8 year olds, "Mrs. Ebersole"-ing me, what seems like 77 million times a day. Can you imagine all the "God" "God" "Dear God" "Heavenly Father" "GOD!" that our Lord hears every second! It would be enough to drive me crrrrrayyyyyyy!

That thought made me laugh out loud :) 

But the thing is--he hears each prayer. Each and every one.

I was able to be used in Gods plan for answering someones prayer. I was in the bookstore last Friday, picking up a book I'd been eyeing, and then I continued to browse the shelves. I came across Un-invited by Lisa TerKeurst---and out of nowhere a coworker that I had previously taught with popped into my mind. I just had to buy it for her. Later after I had left it in her room, she said she had prayed to God about her emotions and prayed to overcome her feelings of rejection, she felt this was God's way of listening. I felt so blessed to bless her <3

Grief does come and go in waves. The end of the month/beginning of the month always sends me into anxiety overload. Some months it seems worse than others. The beginning of the week on Sunday, it started after church. I prayed for the Lord to give me comfort, strength, and guidance. I was feeling frustrated and tired and defeated. I prayed this prayer before bed, driving, making dinner, teaching, cleaning, blow-drying my hair, pretty much everywhere.

And then the strangest thing happened...

Tuesday night, I received a very sweet message from a dear friend that I hadn't spoken to since the summer (almost 7 months ago). She is also a Christian mom and teacher, and she spoke very encouraging words, and said that I had been on her heart.

And then...Wednesday morning, I received another sincere text from a family member saying my family and I had been on her mind and she just wanted to let me know she was praying for us.

I mean WOW :) I felt so blessed. That our Lord not only laid it on one persons' heart to reach out to me, BUT HE LAID IT ON TWO PEOPLES HEARTS!!  I was brought to tears. I don't know that I've ever seen my prayers answered that quickly.

My point in sharing this with you, is that he's there. He's listening, watching, waiting. All he wants is a relationship with us. And it can all start with a simple prayer, "Hey God :) I just need you". I want this for you, I want you to find the peace, joy, and comfort that I've found. It's only a conversation away.

As always, I'm here!! If you'd like to chat mwhitt613@gmail.com shoot me an email, text, or whatever works! I'd love to talk!! 

GOD BLESS YOU!

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Momma with a Teaching Mission

OK, so let me preface this post by saying that I have been a lifelong Grey's Anatomy fanatic. Since the original five debuted--Meredith, Izzy, Christina, Alex, and George--I've been a fan. I watched this show before I became a mom of 1, let along a mom of 5. So, through all the deaths and craziness that has happened on Greys'.... and my own life... I've continued to watch.

I suppose many people DVR (record and watch later) their favorite shows. Tonight (Sunday) as I watched this weeks episode of Greys', I was happy to see it open with April Kepner quoting scripture and talking about Job being a faithful follower of the Lord. And when Chris made his usual comment of 'look they're making another speech'--because in every episode someone always has something utterly beautiful and important to say--and life would never be the same without the 3 minute long speech ;) I said, but look -- tonight they're quoting scripture--- and just at that moment April was questioning her faith--asking Where is God? Where is he in any hard or difficult situation? And I just kept thinking---it's not going to end this way...April is going to say God is there with us, through it all--but she never said this.

So let me be the first to say it, Shonda Rhimes, or whoever had a hand in writing this episode, No thank you. We have put up with you killing off our leading men, and sending away our leading ladies, every horrible situation that could possibly play out in a hospital has on your show, but no thank---we don't need the actors and actresses, whom we admire, to question God.

I'm hoping that Shonda Rhimes, or whichever writer, redeems themselves, but I'm not holding my breath. We are so quick to wonder where God was? Why didn't he help us when we needed him? Why did he let that happen? Where was he when we called out for him?

Well -- maybe he's wondering, where have you been? You haven't listened to me, you haven't been seeking me, you haven't been reading my word, or rejoicing in my good news, you haven't been following my commandments, but now that trouble is lurking--you want my help.

We are so quick to want God to take over when we are in hot water, but the day to day goodness, we fail to seek him. He is there, through it all. He's had dabblings in our lives before we were ever born. Jeremiah 1:5 states, "I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart" --the Lord spoke to Jeremiah letting him know he had GRAND plans for him, before his mother even got pregnant! Every single step of the way, he's walked, crawled, jumped, exclaimed, cried, sang, and been with us. So, even though Grey's Anatomy may have you questioning---yea, where was God--I'm living proof to tell you---he's always there, and he always will be. But maybe instead of waiting until a time of need to call out to him Oh help Lord Jesus, we should start seeking him and inviting him into our daily joys and thanking him for our mundane, usual days.

Dear Lord Jesus,
                         Thank you for the ways in which you have worked in my life. Thank you for your blessings and for loving me. I pray dear Lord that you continue to use those difficult moments in my life to help reach others, to bring them closer to you. And I lift up those up, that are reading this, to you dear Lord, and it is my prayer that their hearts be softened, and their eyes and ears are opened to your words and ways--and that they will be blessed. All of this I ask in Jesus' name- Amen.

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Momma with a Teaching Mission