So one would think in today's day and age of technology and word of mouth, and of course not living in THAT big of a community, people would know things about others from their past.

I mean I guess I don't know EVERY detail about people I went to High School or College with, but I would think I would have heard about the big things. Maybe that's me being self-centered or naive, or giving a darn about what's going on in others' lives (being nosy as my hubs calls it), but I guess I just assumed everyone that I knew, heard that my youngest passed away.

I live about 45 minutes from my hometown of Smithsburg, Maryland where I was born and raised. I haven't lived there for about 10 years. I have TONS of friends on social media that I knew 'back in the day', so surely you would think that the one girl I ran into tonight, would have some where along the way, heard that Melanie Whitt's baby died.

But nope. There I was, doing my good deed, volunteering in the concession stand for the 9-10's all-star baseball game tonight, when the overwhelming reality happened, again.

 I was working the fryer, just dumped some fries into their tray, when I heard the customer ask how many chicken tenders came in an order. I yelled up, "There's 2 in an order" and the customer said, "Are you Melanie?!?!?!" As she put her sunglasses on top of her face, I could see who it was, a girl I played volleyball with at the local community college. We exchanged pleasantries and I went on about my frying. Really, I thought to myself, Thank GOD she didn't say anything about Jayse. I mean, I really enjoy talking about him, and remembering him, but when I talk to someone who is from my past, that I haven't talked to in literally 15 years, the conversation about my deceased son tends to become a bit awkward.

SO I thought I had gotten off scott free, when she returned again, this time getting a drink for her young children, she asked, "Do you just have the one"--referring to my son, because I had him shortly after attending the community college--and that she knew about. I feel like at this moment time paused. I thought to myself, for what seemed like 10 minutes, how should I answer her. 

I mean I could of said, "Four" and leave it at that. I wouldn't have to go into detail about Jayse and that fact that he died. And no, I have no idea how he died or why he died or what caused it or if it could have been prevented, or was I breastfeeding, or smoking, or was he born prematurely -- I could get out of having to answer all those questions. Suffocating questions. Overwhelming questions. Awkward questions.

I didn't say four. I swallowed, took a deep breath, felt the tears welling up in my eyes, and I said, "I have five. Three boys and two girls." I could feel myself start to cry, as the tears rolled down, and I added, "But my youngest son passed, he was 4 1/2 months old." She immediately apologized for my loss, and said she couldn't believe that. We chatted for a few more minutes, and come to find out, she had been praying for me, although she didn't know it was me--Melanie (Whitt) Ebersole--that she was praying for, a mutual friend asked her to pray for a family that had lost a baby. 

After she walked away, and after I got home, exhausted physically and emotionally, I thought and thought about my decision about telling my old friend about him. For me, Jayse was here. He was real. I loved him physically for 140 days here on Earth, I will love him for all eternity until I'm reunited with him again in Heaven. Saying I have 4 children may be easier, but it's not me. I've always been about being true and real to myself--and for me, I will always say five.

💙💙💙💙 Keep on keeping on. You got this. One foot in front of the other. 💙💙💙💙

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Momma with a Teaching Mission

So Momma RobbieRob got me a fit bit for my birthday the other week. I know, I know I am late to the fit bit step challenge phenomena, I mean people have had these things for a couple years or so, right?! I'm always late to the cool gadget games. But better late than never ;)

So I've been working hard to keep up with my family members--my dad, mom, sister, brother, sis-in-law, even one of my kids, pretty much everyone!! So with all this walking and jogging (haha), I've noticed at night when I go to relax on the couch and watch my 'teenage shows'--as my hubs calls them--, I notice my knee starts flaring up. Pains will just shoot through it. I had my ACL repaired back when I was 19, they had to replace my ACL with a cadaver ACL--I have a pretty awesome scar from it--that stretches a whole 2 inches long on my knee cap--, but I notice when I'm really active, and then I go to relax, my knee will just ache.

In fact, as I'm sitting here typing this, I have my knee propped up with two couch pillows underneath it. Now my 19 year old self, would laugh and say, "Really Melanie? Don't you think that's a little much? Aren't you being a bit dramatic? Get up, let's go." And because I'm only 15 years removed from my 19 year old self (WOWZAs! how did I get to be 34), I still get up and get moving.

In fact, as long as I keep moving, I don't notice the aching and pain so much. Tonight, as I was making my circles around the baseball fields as my son was practicing, I thought, "Well, as long as I keep moving, it's not so bad. It's not aching right now." 

It's been a pretty rough couple days, and not just because I have old arthritic bones. June 15th Jayse would have been 6 months, and that same day marked 6 weeks since his death. But that Thursday, June 15th, I was alright, having a pretty good day. The days that followed, were just crappy. I know I'll have bad days. We all have bad days. The pain in my heart just aches constantly. 

Before losing a child, I always felt so sorry for those women (and men) that lost a kid. But really, I had no idea. You can't. You can't understand what parents that have lost a child are dealing with. There's nothing like it.

The only way I can somewhat describe--in the smallest way--  to someone who has never lost a child--

That aching that you may feel in your knee, or maybe your shoulder, or a hip. It's there, constantly. When you get up in the morning. As you get in your car. Arriving to work. Walking your dog. Picking up your nephew. Getting the mail. Making dinner. Kneeling to pray. Climbing in bed.

That constant pain, that something isn't right, a piece of you is forever changed. The aching. Some meds may dull that pain, but nothing fully takes it away.

So I just keep on moving. I read. I pray. I knit. I write. I pray. I play with my kids. I go to their practices and games. Oh Lord do I pray. If I didn't do these things, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning. I wouldn't be able to face the day. But as long as I keep on moving, that aching in my heart and the pain is still there, but I just don't notice it as much.

💙💙💙💙 Keep on keeping on. You got this. One foot in front of the other. 💙💙💙💙
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Momma with a Teaching Mission

Today's my birthday--34 years ago I was born into this world. I was blessed with an amazing family. I have lived and laughed, sinned and been saved. So on today, I wanted to share some serious, and not so serious things that I've learned in these 34 years.

People is crazy (me included)

I'm just stating the obvious here, but people are nuts. You have to either love 'em or ignore 'em. The saying goes we all have that one crazy aunt, but the truth is, you know at one point in your life, you were that crazy bitch. I'm gonna tell ya something, I was crazy---my husband would say that I still am. But I think it's ok to be a little crazy. It keeps things interesting, and real. To give you some insight, when my husband and I were dating, my ringtone when I would call him was Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry :) I'm sure there were quite a few people (and still are) that thought I was nuts, and they either loved me or ignored me. Years ago, I worked as a waitress. One of my favorite jobs in fact, you encounter all kinds of crazies coming in to order food. I'll never forget the first crazy I encountered as an 18 year old waitress. He was an older man, probably 65ish. During a busy lunch rush, he said to me, "Let me tell you a joke that'll knock the tits off of you......wait a minute, you've already heard it." Well, first of all, it took me a minute to even understand his joke, as I had about 10 tables I was serving--with my mind running in many different directions. As I walked away, I comprehended his idiotic joke, and realized he was insulting me, calling me flat-chested. Oh my ward---you would have thought my dog died, I cried and cried. I was so embarrassed and then of course angry that I let someone talk to me that way. And it wasn't until years later that I realized some people are just plum crazy. They have no manners, or sense for that matter. They don't care if they offend you, or maybe they don't even realize that they are offending you. It's not always easy to let their rude remarks slide off your back, but chalking up their idiocy to the fact that people is crazy helps to not take their comments so personally.  

Time goes by, way too fast

Before you know it, you're gonna have a 12 year old. You're gonna have aching bones. Your Saturday nights are going to be spent cuddling mini-yous on your couch. You are going to start wondering why you wasted so much time. So much time. Sleep truly becomes over-rated. Yes I'd love to take a nap, but then it comes down to take a nap or play Kan-Jam with my kids--my kids aren't going to be kids forever. And in a few short years, they'll be driving and doing Lord knows what. Cherish these moments, whatever they may be for you. Live in the moment. I am so guilty of having my phone out, not being fully present. That is something I'm working on. Somehow I have these big kids--12, 9, 7-- and I have no earthly idea how time has passed and they got this big. Sure I have photographs to remember them as little ones, but dealing with their attitudes and big kids problems---often times I ask, Lord how did I get here? And then there's my 3 year old--she brings back so many memories of when the older ones were that young, and I'm blessed to really be able to cherish her antics and crazy questions, and her sweet hugs and Mommy I love you's. I had Jayse for 4 1/2 months, 140 days to be exact. When you think about the number 140, it sounds rather large. But thinking about only having 140 days to spend with someone, your child---that is not nearly enough time. Those 140 days went by so fast. Luckily, knowing he was our last, I did cherish him. I loved being pregnant with him, and I love every aspect of his life here on Earth--snuggling, changing his diaper, feeding him, even those mid-night feedings. I took in every single second. Like every other event, I never expected it to end. As Buddha said, "The trouble is, you think you have time."

There are no coincidences

Ok, so how many times have you heard, "oh it's such a small world" or "what a coincidence"?  Dictionary.com defines coincidence as "a striking occurrence of two or more events at one time apparently by mere chance." No. I don't believe in chance. I have always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. When I had my oldest son Karter, as a single parent, I struggled to understand why I had to endure the heartache that I did. I was a good kid, raised in a good home, why did this happen to me?  What had I done to deserve this? It wasn't until a few years later when I met Chris, did I understand that although he is not Karters' biological father, he is the only father Karter has ever known. If I wouldn't have had Karter, I may have never went to work where I did, where I met Chris. We would have never gotten married and had 4 more children. The death of Jayse, I haven't been able to accept as easily. This will be an event I struggle with, that my family struggles with, for the rest of our lives. I play the events of that Thursday, and the days prior, over and over again in my head. Could this have been prevented? What did I do to deserve this? Why did this happen to me? One of the verses' that I've clung to the most in the past month has been John 13:7 "Jesus replied, 'You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will." I will never understand while after being our surprise baby, why he was taken away from me, after only getting to have him here for 4 1/2 months---at least I won't understand while I'm here on Earth. I believe at Jayse's funeral I said that I rejoice in knowing that someday we will be reunited--and knowing that that someday God will reveal his plans to me. Until then, I believe there is a rhyme and reason for all the things that happen to all, and all the people that he puts into our lives. We all have a purpose and a path, nothing happens by mere chance or coincidence.

Live Out Loud
Now maybe this is my 'crazy' coming out, but you only get one life. Sing loud, eat the cake, do what makes you happy! You're only 21, or 34, or 56 once. Every minute, week, year that goes by--you're not going to get it back. We are only getting older, and here's a secret---you aren't going to get out of this life alive. When you hear your favorite song from 1996 on the radio, crank it up and sing it! You love that bright, loud, extravagant Lularoe top---buy it! You feel yourself being pulled to what you were meant to do---do everything in your power to make it happen! You wanna put some purple in your hair, by all means, do it! Life isn't easy, it's downright hard, sucks even at times. But that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy those moments that make you happy. And yes--I sing those 90s rap songs WAYYY too loud, buy all those crazy Lularoe tops, I am doing what I love (after having 3 of my children I went back to school and made my dream a reality), and I even had my hair purple at one point. I've wasted so much time, but I like to think I've also made a lot of memories and at times lived out loud. These next 34 or more years, I'm going to be sure to live even more so 💙

Love Never Fails

In all seriousness, when you think you've tried everything. Try love. I was not in a good place a year ago. I had so much resentment and downright hatred built up towards certain members of my family. And why? To be honest, I'm not sure. I couldn't tell you. That hatred that I had in my heart consumed a lot of me.  When I found out I was pregnant with Jayse, and after he was born, I could feel myself starting to change. I was trying to let go of that hatred and anger, but it wasn't until Jayses' death can I say that I truly let go and let love in. Don't let hate consume you, let that resentment and anger go--and love. Don't wait for a tragic event, like the death of a loved one to change your heart.

💙💙💙💙Sending all my blessing 💙💙💙💙

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Momma with a Teaching Mission

I recently had a conversation with a friend about how things seem to be going well. She said she saw on Instagram and Facebook all the fun things my family had been doing. She, like many others, said she couldn't imagine what I had gone through, and was surprised at how 'well' I was taking the loss of my son.

Well, I let her finish talking. I didn't interrupt. She really had no earthly idea what I have been through these past 36 days, but could I blame her? She's never lost a close loved one, let alone her own flesh-and-blood child that she carried for 9 months.

She really has no idea that I don't have a choice. I mean I guess I do. I guess I could choose to be a hermit and not shower. Or maybe choose to home-school my kids and pull them from any activities to try to prevent anything from happening to them. Or maybe just choose to lash out and curse God and all that is good.

But really, what would I be teaching my other 4 children -- when life gets hard, throw in the towel? Run and hide? Cower in fear? If anything, losing Jayse has brought me closer to God. This whole nightmare has shown me the power of prayer. The power in turning to God--giving him your pain, hopes, fears, worries. Praying for strength and comfort. I know so many people have prayed for me, my family, and Jayse. We have felt the prayers. I don't know how I could have gotten through the past 5 weeks without the prayers of my those praying.

I turned to my friend, and I said

Girl, first of all---you know those pictures you see are my highlights! There are twice as many moments that are filled with sadness or anger than those that are filled with laughter and happiness. But I'm working on that. Giving God my anger and sadness, praying about it. Praying through it. I find comfort in reading. Reading grief books, Reading prayer books, reading the bible. I find comfort in writing about it as well. But those pictures you see on facebook or instagram are certainly NOT the day to day moments, cause I struggle! Heck, we all struggle. Yes, most haven't had to deal with the tragedy of burying a child, but that doesn't change that we ALL struggle. I haven't cooked since Jayse died. We've eaten fast food, eaten at restaurants, or eaten already prepared foods. And my house--oh my, it is a mess! Right after Jayse was born, I was in the process of re-doing our living room--which got about 3/4s finished. But since he died, all that has gone by the wayside (for now). I'm sure visitors have thought--holy moly, these people live like this?!? But, ya know what, this is real world. This is my life. I'm FARRRRR from perfect--my house, my kids, my life. I'm a mess. But I'm ok with that, and I know God's ok with that, because he loves me. He loves our hot messes.


Our God is an awesome God. His promises and love for us is astounding. There's no other choice than to give the remainder of my life here on Earth to him. He died on that cross for you and me so that we could live with him for all eternity. I know Jayse is there, and I know I will be there too. That day will be glorious. But until then, I'm going to continue to sing the praises of our God, in hopes that others will turn to him in their times of grief.

And just remember, those highlight reels that we post, are snapshots of moments in time we are proud of---but those moments go hand-in-hand with the struggling hot mess moments that we don't snap pictures of, but maybe we should ;) 

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Momma with a Teaching Mission